Wood Painting

This is a remake I made of the Seventh Seal, for a new audience, that deals with a new plague.

Backstreet boys vs. Justin Timberlake Dream

I just had the most fucked dream I have ever had. Or at least since 8th grade.

It was basically a series of dreams, a series of music videos. In each video, Justin Timberlake was in love with the girlfriend of one of (or possibly all of) the Backstreet Boys. Somehow, the Backstreet Boy(s?) found out, and Justin Timberlake and the girlfriend had to run away because the Backstreet Boys were going the kill them both. So Justin Timberlake and the girlfriend are running away, but then the Backstreet Boys show up!

So then the come to a fence that has fallen over, and the girlfriend has the brilliant idea to put the fence back up and tie it to the ground so the Backstreet Boys won't find them. But the Backstreet Boys knock it down anyway!

So Justin Timberlake realizes he has to fight the Backstreet Boys. And he does quite well. At this point I went into Justin Timberlake's P.O.V. (that's movie business talk for point of view). And he starts kicking their asses one by one. And the first two Backstreet Boys go down pretty easily, but the third and forth decide to team up, and things stop going well. It looks like Justin Timberlake might lose. The girlfriend is screaming, but she can't help out because she has no tae kwon do experience.

And then, something amazing happens: the fifth Backstreet Boys, Brian Littrell, starts singing "guys stop!" The music and fighting stops for a split second. Then Brian Littrell keeps singing about how fighting won't stop any of their problems. Then, Howie starts singing about he realizes what Brian is saying, and agrees. Suddenly all the Backstreet Boys start singing, because they realize that this blatant dhostility is probably the girlfriend probably left one of them(them?). Justin Timberlake looks at the girlfriend, and they start making out. At this point, the Backstreet Boys start crying, but it's a good kind of crying.

Did I mention that this entire time a Backstreet Boys or NSYNC song was playing? I couldn't tell which one of these two groups the song was by though, and I'm pretty sure it has never been released.

Saved by the Bell season 1

I could start a new blog called Lessons I learn from episodes of Saved By the Bell.

the episode that's on right now has taught me that I shouldn't sell out my friends in order to get into a group, because any group that would force me to betray others is probably not a group worth getting into to begin with.

The episode before this one taught me that I should always do my homework, and lying is bad.

All the Young Dudes

This song...this is what life is. You can't describe it, but you just know when you die and you look back on your life, this is going to be the music that accompanies the montage of your memories.

Laundry

laundry always makes sense in hindsight.

Lesson

When life gives you lonely friday nights, make a photobooth party for one.

Drunk Moderator

I've decided to start posting sketches I right here.
This is a sketch I wrote last night. Enjoy!

MODERATOR
Hey what’s up! Oh god what’s a camera doing in this studio!? Just kidding, I know what a camera’s doing in this studio. This is a…debate. So…I’m gonna ask each of these two guys some questions, and they’re gonna answer. It’s gonna be cool.
Hey-hey-hey-who am I? “let’s get it started
in hah, let’s get it started in here”. You know what, let’s make that the first question. Senator Bluford?
JOE BLUFORD
…I believe you are impersonating The Black Eyed Peas?
MODERATOR
YEA I AM! GOOD ANSWER! You freaking rock. Governor Wilson, you’re response?
GOV. JAMES WILSON
I…I would have said the same.
MODERATOR
Holy shit you rock too! Okay next question. Ummm…let’s see…innie Minnie Minnie moe. Just kidding. Bluford.
BLUFORD
(pause) yes?
MODERATOR
You ever think about it’d be like if America was founded by magicians instead of pilgrims?
BLUFORD
(pause) I cannot say I have. But I imagine...
MODERATOR
Yea I do that too. Wilson your response?
WILSON
Perhaps there would be a greater emphasis on coin tricks than religion?
MODERATOR
Yea that’d be cool. Alright, I’m bored, so I think I’m gonna go meet up with my friend Tyrone. Just kidding, Tyrone’s not my friend, I just buy drugs from him. L8er!

...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead?

More like, ...And You Will Know us By the Trail of the Poorly Reviewed Albums!

Animal Collective

Animal Collective have a new album coming out.

It's called Merriweather Post Pavillion.

I dont have a link to download it. I'm just trying to see how many more hits I'll get if I mention it. Google alerts is great that way.

It's Ladies Night

I like it when I can't tell if an R&B song is a parody or unintentionally hilarious.

On an unrelated note, my greatest fear is that I will become the next Tay Zonday.

the Fork and the Electrical Outlet

This is an experimental film I made. It's called "the Fork and the Electrical Outlet".

Straight to You: A Morality Play

This is a morality play I wrote:

INT. LIBRARY-NIGHT
JOHN sits at a table in the library working on his homework on an apple laptop. He is tired. It is 2 AM.
JOHN: All I want to do is listen to the Nick Cave song "Straight to You". Hey wait a minute, I could watch the video on youtube!!!

John looks in his bag to see if he brought his headphones. He did not.

JOHN: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

THE END

While short, my morality play is quite dense and ambiguous. I understand that many might not easily grasp the moral of my morality play. It is only because I care that I will explain the moral, so as to help those who need it: the moral of my morality play is to always bring your headphones with you.

Words I Learn that are also things I want to do someday

1. Concubinage: the practice of keeping a concubine.
I had no idea concubinage was a word. In fact, I didn't really know what I concubine was until today. Sounds like fun.

Announcing: Roller Coasters Kick Ass

http://rollercoasterskickass.blogspot.com/

I would like to announce that I am starting a brand new blog, Roller Coasters Kick Ass*. The goal of this blog is to focus on and discuss at great depth about Roller Coasters.

Some of the Roller Coasters that will be discussed include:


Jurassic Park: The Ride, arguably better than Jurassic Park.


Space Mountain, arguably better than space.


Steel Dragon 2000, arguably better than a Steel Dragon.

It is my dream that you will enjoy Roller Coasters Kick Ass as much as I enjoy Roller Coasters.

*Roller Coasters are Awesome and Roller Coasters are Fun were already taken.


http://rollercoasterskickass.blogspot.com/

A Day in the Life of Steven Seagal

PRODUCER: Steven, our meeting with the investors is in ten minutes and we STILL dont have a plot for the movie!
STEVEN: Don't worry-thats exactly three more minutes than we need.

Titty Fest

This year's Titty Fest is going to be awesome! The line up is really solid, and it also happens to be on my birthday. I'm so f-ing excited, this is probably going to be the best Titty Fest ever. Which, as anyone who has ever been to Titty Fest will agree, is saying a lot.

Granted, I'll always remember 2003 as the greatest Titty Fest, maybe because it was my first Titty Fest, and maybe because I went with my dad, and maybe because I saw more Titties in one weekend than I had ever seen in my life...ahh damn, I cant wait!

There Will Be Blood 2

Im writing a sequel to There Will Be Blood. It's going to be called There Will Be Blood 2. Or There Will Be Blood Too.

Covered in Socks

Im so warm right now I feel like Im in a body sized sock.

Dubliners

If Dubliners is so "boring", then why are there 16 exclamation points in the story "Eveline" alone?

An Email Exchange Between a Mother and Son (In regards to a youtube video I made)

From: Mom
To: Son
Subject: Re: Frig movie
> > Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 11:17 AM
> > Hi
> > Check the lighting. You have great expressions, but
> they
> > are lost by darkness on your face.
> > Love you!!!!
> > Mom

From:Son
> To:Mom
> Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 10:33:19 AM
> Subject: Re: Frig movie

> what movie are you refering to?


From: Mom
To: Son
> Subject: Re: Frig movie
> Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 5:50 PM
> HI
> It was on u tube. Looks like you were in your dorm room.
> Don't mean to be critcal, just advice.
> Mom

From: Son
To: Mom
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 4:05:19 PM
Subject: Re: Frig movie

OOOH yea! Yea, it was shot on the camera inside the laptop. I cant really control the exposure on it, but thanks!!!

From: Mom
To: Son
Hi
Well, you can put a light clser to you or above you.
Love, Mom
I hear Speilberg's mom was a pain in the ass while he was in college too!!!!!!
But he got better!!!!!!!!!!

Mystery Team Trailer!

http://www.mysteryteam-movie.com/

Its awesome! I also saw the first five minutes of the movie at Derrick's Street Legal show a month ago. It's super freaking tight.

Post Rock

I need to start an instrumental post rock band just so I can name our first album "An Existential Crisis Jeff Foxworthy Underwent While Writing a new 'You Might be a Redneck' Routine."

Zeitgeist Update

Seems like these days if you say "unbelievable" out loud, everyone in the room will start thinking about Sarah Palin.

Exerpts from Alternate Universe John Dolphin's Livejournal

-dating a girl named Liz. She's the greatest.
-the beard is coming in nicely, I'm really happy with it.
-work is going really good.
-going to the mountains this weekend. Should be fun.
-Hung out with Marcus. He's doing well.
-Took my Pug Wilson to the vet. Test results came back...negative!!!!!!
-The season premiere of 30 Rock was amazing!!! Oh my god this is going to be a good season.
-Had a great time putting my penis in a vagina last night.

Mr Brightside

Whenever I hear this song, I want to go back in time and bang a girl who liked this band a lot. She was the sister of the girl I really liked at the time, but looking back, the sister was hotter and easier.

New Facebook

I think liking the new Facebook is the new hating the new Facebook: not worth joining a group about.

wte 6

John Townsend
Writing the Essay Section
9/4/08
Exercise 6
I am afraid I might shit myself. I am one of two people riding an old, rickety E train downtown, six stops more stops until I’m home. Terror accumulates with each successive stop; the closer to home I die, the more tragic the irony. My traveling companion is a six-foot tall black man in a Tupac shirt. He could fit basketballs in his biceps and six baseball bats in each of his legs. A red Doo-rag covers his awful smelling Corn Rows (though I might just be smelling the results of a homeless man who forgot to go before he left the house). I am a white kid in a red American Apparel sweater and checkered Vans. I have a Jew-fro.
More than anything I try to avoid his eyes; I pretend to be studying at the subway map to my left, though really I have my peripheral vision working overtime on this man, vaguely chronicling his every move. This is the kind of man who tells you a long, detailed monologue before he kills you, a monologue with Biblical allusions that heavily involve sheppards. This man is the 21st Century black Travis Bickle. This man looks dangerous. The train finally stops at West 4th Street and I bolt.
I have only walked a block when it hits me: I am a Racist. Sure, he was a scary looking man. But after forcing myself to reevaluate the ride, I realize he was almost completely motionless the entire time; I doubt he even recognized my presence. And yet I still cannot deny the sheer fear I felt sitting on the same train as him. I am also puzzled by how in addition to fear, I had an overwhelming sense of fury toward this guy, as if I were really mad that he was forcing me to question the immediacy my death. Was I afraid of this man because he looked dangerous, or was I afraid of him because he looked Black?
A day later I walking to class through Washington Square Park, still worrying heavily about what kind of underlying bigotry might lie within me, when a “blast” from the past walks by me. He is about 8 feet tall: 6 feet of actually man, 1 foot of spiked green hair, and 1 foot of black platform boots. Chains circle his crotch and safety pins penetrate his skin. He is a pale white guy, and I am seriously afraid of him. He looks like he would tell you Anarchy is the only logical form of government, but then falls asleep every time he opens his copy of Anarchy in Action which he is this close to returning to his friend who works in a used record store. He is walking toward me. As he continues to come closer to me, I find myself not only getting more scared, but angrier, the same way I felt on the subway.

The David Mamet Children's Theatre

Last night I went with my girlfriend to a production of Cinderella at the David Mamet Children's Theatre. While I have no children of my own, I had long wanted to attend the Theatre, despite mixed reviews of past productions Seven Dwarves and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

They say great revivals force you to look at old stories in completely new lights; the same can be said of David Mamet's Cinderella. Mamet has morphed what was once a story of a girl going to a ball into a cutting social commentary on how greedy and success driven our contemporary society has become.

The fast-paced and cynical dialogue was a bit hard to follow at times, and a few audience members around me complained that Cinderella was portrayed as a "selfish cunt".

While I felt like the underlying tones of anti-semitism were a bit complexing and uncalled for, I really liked the show, and hope to attend the Theatre's upcoming production of the Little Mermaid.

Deerhunter's Microcastle Review (as seen in Outback Steakhouse's Quarterly Magazine)

So a couple months ago, a friend of a friend set me up with my first big break: reviewing an album of my choice for Outback Steakhouse's quarterly magazine. It was a really amazing opportunity, and I am glad to say that here is the fruit of that opportunity:

My roommate sent me a link to Deerhunter's new album a while ago, and I've been loving it ever since. It's easily going to be one of my favorite albums of the year. It is simply amazing.

In order to explain my feelings for Microcastle, I am going to give a track by track analysis of what makes each song so good, in an easy to understand manner.

"Intro"
The opening track to Microcastle is reminiscent of walking into an Outback Steakhouse. Much as the scents of other customers food establishes the meal about to ensue, "Intro" is filled with sounds that will be explored later in the album. And just like walking into the Outback Steakhouse, you can't exactly pinpoint why, but you just know you are getting into something incredible.

"Agoraphobia"
The second track is the Bloomin Onion of the album. You have finally sat down, your waiter has arrived with a smile on her face, and BAM! sweet, sweet succulence is shoved down your throat. You almost can't believe how beautiful things have gotten in such a short span of time. It ends, and you actually think you might cry; not now maybe, but you know in your heart that someday, someplace, it will happen, and it will surprise no one.


"Never Stops"
If "Agoraphobia" is the Bloomin' Onion, "Never Stops" is the Outback Steakhouse's Pink Lemonade-unbelievably juicy, quench thirsting and refreshing. You don't think so much beauty could come to you so quickly. It suddenly becomes clear that this is a place you will want to be coming back to.

"Little Kids"
The fourth track, much like the Tassie's Buffalo Wings, is purely delicious, though a little spicy for some.

"Microcastle"
The beginning of "Microcastle" is a little slow and boring. It brings to mind the time spent waiting for a Top Shelf Patron Margarita. But once the drums kick in, the song becomes the musical equivalent to a Top Shelf Patron Margarita: thrilling, pounding, and uplifting.

"Calvary Scars"/"Green Jacket"/"Activa"
The three songs that follow "Microcastle" evoke the same feelings felt at the beginning of that song. Only instead of waiting for a Top Shelf Patron Margarita, these three songs are reminiscent of waiting for one of the Outback Steakhouses entrees. Boredom settles in.

"Nothing Ever Happened"
From the depths of boredom comes this savory track. Full of life and capable of inflicting sensory overload, no piece of music in recent memory has come this close to replicating the experience of indulging in a Chargrilled Ribeye.

"Saved By Old Times"
It only takes five words to aptly describe "Saved By Old Times": Outback Steakhouse's Key Lime Pie.

"Twilight at Carbon Lake"
The final song on Microcastle bears a strong resemblance, in both tone and ambiance, to standing in the parking lot of the Outback Steakhouse. Within seconds, the memories of the night come pouring back. The pure magic of the night becomes palatable. All the little portions-the bloomin onion, the ribeye-wander through your memory, until the only logical conclusion is tears.

Things That Have Amazed Me In New York, 8/today/08

A spray painted wall
An air-freshener called Orange Juice on a bathroom sink in a cafe in...one of the villages
The fact that freshener has an e after the h
a poster for Soul Calibur 4 in front of a Blockbuster (it had Yoda on it and I did not know Yoda was in Soul Calibur 4)


I have finally found a place I can sing "Six Pack" in the middle of a crowded street to no one's surprise.

Guitar Hero Sweatpants

I have them.

Quitting

Quitting is not easy. I suck at it.

Getting fired is easy though.

Los Campesinos!

I don't think I could build a robot cuter than Los Campesinos.

But I bet this guy could:

Dinosaur Fusion

When two dinosaurs...become one.

Punk Band or Idiom?

It's Punk Band or Idiom!
For each entry you must guess if it is a punk band, or an idiom, or both!
1. uh oh!
2. Kick the Bucket
3. Battle of the Sexes
4. Complaints are Up
5. Back Seat Driver

Guess!!!!

Big the Comic

Has anyone ever written a Big comic book? The Tom Hanks movie? Can I? Who do i have to talk to about clearing that?

They've done Indiana Jones comics, Predator comics, Buffy comics. It wouldn't be that far of a stretch. He could be a superhero somehow. I mean, I'd have to think about it, pull an Alan Moore maybe. It'd be hard but, I think it could work!

Something like, he decided that...OH!! I GOT IT!!!

So time has passed. Josh Baskin (Tom Hanks Character) is one year older. His girlfriend has been brutally raped by a child molester. Not content to sit around and wait for Dateline to catch him, Josh returns to Zoltar Speaks. He makes a new wish: to be able to turn into an adult with super strength whenever he wishes.

With his new found ability, Josh lures predators into his home in his child form, "goes to his bedroom to freshen up", and then comes back a super strong 30 year old with nothing better to do than do some pounding!

That last part was sexual, wasn't it?

Love Revolution

So I'm working at Kohl's. Today I worked for 7 and a half hours and heard the new Lenny Kravitz single "Love Revolution" 9 times. Techically, I only heard Lenny Kravitz's "Love Revolution" six times; the other three times I heard Mr. Kravitz's wonderful composition was a cover, sung by a woman, slowed down, and played on an organ (this is good-the key to any revolution is to cover all the marketing demographics; Lenny attracking the rockers, this woman the housewives).

I don't know what Mr. Kravitz is trying to accomplish here. I do know though that if you buy two pairs of Levi Jeans you get a free copy of Mr. Kravitz's new album. What is he trying to do here? Spread the word about the Love Revolution to people who don't usually buy his albums? Get rid of some cd's? Who knows, maybe this was how the French Revolution got started. For all we know, the Federalist papers came free with the purpose of two carts of Tea. Or for every 3 wigs. Wigs were very popular during the American Revolution, because Shampoo hadn't been invented, so most men went bald by 12.

The first five times, I thought, "this is so stupid." But by the ninth time, I gotta say, I'm actually kind of excited about the Love Revolution! Sure I have my doubts and questions, but nevertheless, I'm kinda pumped.

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 5

In conclusion to Rage Against the Machine Fact Week, today's fact number will be written in Spanish!

FACT SINCO: My high score on Guitar Hero for Rage Against the Machine's "Bulls On Parade" is around 107,000. I think, somewhere around there.

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 4

It's day four, and what better way to celebrate America's most delusional band than with a fun fact and a music video!

FACT #4:Rage Against the Machine voice revolutionary viewpoints highly critical of the domestic and foreign policies of the U.S. government.

Have I shown this video already? It's hard for me to keep track because all their songs are so boring.

Rollerworld Teaser Trailer

I only need 19,000,900 dollars more to finish this movie.

Almost Dead

I'm writing a script for Steven Segal called Almost Dead.

The tagline is this:
"They thought he was dead.
But he was only almost dead."

Kitties Meowing

Outside my window, I can hear two precious little kitties meowing. Their voices are so soft and delicate, it's like they're whispering to me, "Heeeeelp? heeeelp?"

Does anyone have a shotgun they can lend me?

Prison Politics

I'm thinking about starting a new blog called Prison Politics. I will write it as Gary Glitter, a man convicted of arson who also unfortunately shares the same name as arena rocker/child stalker Gary Glitter. IT will be his forum to vent his frustrations, such as:
The Shifty Warden
the Cafeteria
roommate conflict
his struggle to break out of prison
The portrayal of Prison on the show Prison Break

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 3

FACT 3: The group's music is distinguished primarily by de la Rocha's rhyming styles and powerful stage energy, and Morello's unorthodox guitar techniques.

Comic Con: Wolverine

I've been reading about Hugh Jackman's appearance at Comic Con, and something struck me: if you changed Hugh Jackman to Jesus, and Len Wein to God, the arrticles actually make more sense.

It didn't take long for the first surprise of the Con! Just after the MAX PAYNE and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL panels wrapped, the stage went empty until a special guest walked in off the side of the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, JESUS CHRIST."

I've seen a lot of craziness in Hall H in my time but I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before. Bedlam. Absolute bedlam. The crowd just went completely insane. Grown women weeping. Men rushing the stage. It took a good five minutes for everyone to calm down before JESUS could even speak. Finally JESUS said he just got off a flight from Australia but that there was no way he was missing Comic-Con this year. JESUS said he wanted to pay homage to the creator of JESUS, GOD, who was in the audience. It was at this point JESUS decided he wanted to come down into the Hall H crowd.


Security wasn't prepared and JESUS was mobbed prompting him to later admit that "maybe that wasn't such a great idea." But JESUS was able to come down and shake GOD's hand and high-five a few people in the audience. Once back on stage JESUS apologized for not having a full panel.

It's still early to call it the best of the Con, but I can't imagine anything approaching the fever pitch in Hall H when CHRIST came out and screened the footage. Unfortunately I don't see an official version coming online soon but man was it good!

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 2

FACT #2: Rage Against the Machine is noted for its blend of rap, heavy metal, and funk.

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 1

This week is Rage Against the Machine Fact Week. Each day will be celebrated with a RATM fact and an accompanying music video.

WEDNESDAY FACT: Rage Against the Machine is an American rock band.

MOTHFIGHT! & Other Things That Achieve Super Awesome-ity

Mothfight is super awesome.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is also super awesome.
La Taqueria is super awesome.
Nude pictures of celebrities are super awesome.
the new Deerhunter album is super awesome.
My brother is super awesome.
Oreos are super awesome.
Human giant is super awesome.
Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog is super awesome.
Toy Story is super awesome.
The licorice I keep in my car is super awesome.
Jeph Loeb is super awesome.
Y The Last Man is super awesome.
This one time I hooked up with a volleyball player was super awesome.

Dear David Gray

Dear David Gray,
Dear David Gray,
When you sing "Let go of your heart, let go of your head" on your wonderful song "Babylon", you don't know how badly I want to say back to you, "Okay."

I also want you to know that when you sing "for crying out loud...", I think to myself,
"exactly!"

Thank you for writing anthems for people who are afraid to yell.

Mustaches

I know this girl who dates this guy who has a mustache. He's about two years older than her. It makes him look like he's four years older than her. It also makes him look like a guy who has a collection of naked pictures that makes him cry when he looks at them. I also think he: masturbates a lot, begs her to videotape them having sex, enjoys going to farmers markets, and has tasted his own sweat.

5 Ideas For Future National Treasure Sequels

1. Nick Cage finds a treasure map for the fountain of youth which turns out to be...inside Mount Rushmore!
2. Apparently, there is a map to a pile of treasure. Unfortunately...it's in the coat pocket of the jacket George Washington wore...when he died!
3. Something involving Bald Eagles.
4. Turns out, The White House is a space ship that can fly to the moon!
5. something american...historical...related to america...uhhhhh.........fuck.....the Emancipation Proclamation is a treasure map to...a magical island..filed with gold...but it's run by Leprechauns...who are also Nazis.

Second Hand Luke

Here's the problem with Anti-Smoking PSAs: they're setting their sights to high*. Getting kids to stop smoking is an uphill battle. Face it, they've been fighting it for, I don't know, at least 18 years, and while I don't know the statistics to back up the fact that more kids are smoking, I'm pretty sure such statistics exist. And if you're wondering what kind of credentials give me the right to act like I know everything about statistics, I got a 4 on the AP Stat test. So YEA, I do know everything about Statistics.

Getting kids to stay away from cigarettes and weed is a long term war, a war where the same battle is being refought endlessly. And unfortunately for America, that particular Battle is the epic/final/'it all comes down to this'/showdown/winner takes all battle of America vs Smoking. We lose everytime, and everytime Smoking says, "Come on, I'll give you another shot."

But instead of trying so hard to win this particular battle, we need to fight other battles first. Get a few notches on our belts. Start small and work our way up to the Final Showdown. I mean, it's the final fucking showdown! They wouldn't call it Final if you were supposed to start off with it!

In order to get kids to quit smoking, we need to convince them that second hand smoke is cool. Really cool. Anyone who has seen an episode or two of Twin Peaks will tell you how cool it looks. We get so mystified seeing Audrey Horne lighting up...but how awesome does Dale Cooper look sitting next to her? Doesn't he just look like a badass? You totally know he can smell that smoke.

Sadly, most films and television series tend to cut away from the second hand smoker and focus on the first hand smoker. Audiences have been forced to wonder what awesomeness eludes them for so long, it's as if they no longer care.

Luckily, I've written a screenplay that will change that. It's called Second Hand Luke. Luke is a rebel with an agenda: look after his and only his interests. We open on Luke's smoking hot girlfriend...SMOKING! We slowly move in onto her lips, as the smoke cascades through, and then slowly, pan over to Luke, a true bad ass, standing there, breathing it all in, and avoiding all the serious consequences his smoking hot girlfriend will face later in life, such as Emphysema, Lung Cancer and Bad teeth.

I'm not going to lie, the plot to Second Hand Luke is pretty insignificant. It's downright awful, it's meandering and aimless at the same time, etc, etc. But here's the genius of it: that doesn't matter. Second Hand Luke is a propaganda film. We're not trying to make a great film here; we're trying to get kids to start hanging out with other kids who smoke.

Here's how it works:
a. Sean smokes
b. Tom and Dick start hanging out with Sean
c. Sean gets tired of being the least cool kid in his pack of friends
d. Sean starts hanging out with David
e. David gets tired of being the least cool kid in his pack of friends

And so it goes, until eventually no one smokes.

I think that would work. That is not to say I've actually thought about it. I guess it could work is probably the proper thing to say.

*is this a pun?

Satanic Text Messages

From: Satan 6:42 PM 7/11/08
"Yo what up?"

From: Satan 6:52 PM 7/11/08
"Chillin wit Chris. What u doin tonight?"

From: Satan 6:59 PM 7/11/08
"Wanna see Hancock?"

From: Satan 4:23 PM 7/12/08
"Hey"

From: Satan 4:41 PM 7/12/08
"you there?"

From: Satan 4:49 PM 7/12/08
"What are you doing tonight?"

From: Satan 5:13 PM 7/12/08
"Do you wanna see Hancock tonight? I already saw it wit Chris but its good, I wanna see it twice. Especially wit u :)"

From: Satan 6:33 PM 7/12/08
"Oh No worries. Sucks that you cant come :(. That sounds like fun though, wish I could be a part of that :)"

From: Satan 6:35 PM 7/12/08
"Oh no I wasn't implying anything. Nah, it would be weird if I came to your sisters Bat Mitzfah. Still sounds like fun though"

From: Satan 8:23 PM 7/12/08
"Hancock is better the second time"

From: Satan 8:24 PM 7/12/08
"Id still be down to see it with you a 3rd time tho :)"

From: Satan 8:33 PM 7/12/08
"Really? Oh, yea, you should totally see it with your family. They'll love it."

From: Satan 3:30 PM 7/13/08
"Did u like Hancock?"

From: Satan 3:38 PM 7/13/08
"really? Huh. I guess, I liked it though."

From: Satan 3:42 PM 7/13/08
"Maybe u'd like it better a second time ;)"

From: Satan 3:45 PM 7/13/08
"oh. Well...yea fine."

From: Satan 3:50 PM 7/13/08
"What's your deal Beth? You think just because Hell hath no fury I won't get...forget it. Forget u."

Dashboard Confessional

The tragedy of Dashboard Confessional:
You have to be inhuman not to cry listening to Dashboard Confessional
You have to be really stupid for it to be socially accepted that you listen to Dashboard Confessional

Oh, if only I weren't so hung up about people respecting me and thinking I'm smart.



and o god, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7itHHrTty0 "Screaming Infidelities"? Does it get prettier? Sadder? Realer?

"Hey wait a minute, you're writing a blog about them. Doesn't that mean you're admitting to liking them, and therefore retarded?"
Yes.

Things I Think About at 2:55 AM

"If I use the Final Cut Crop tool, I COULD make a video of me having sex with myself!"

New Crush

I like someone I don't really know too well. I feel like a new gum, waiting to be accepted by the American Dental Association.

Reasons Why I Can Relate to Tom Hanks' Character in Sleepless in Seattle

1. I used to live near Seattle
2. I've always suspected I might have a precocious 8 year old son.
3. I too find Meg Ryan attractive.
4. I doubt I would be able to get over the death of my wife.
5. I often have trouble sleeping.

My Mom on Tokyo Story

MOM: What else do you have to watch?
ME: The Conformist, Tokyo Story. You probably won't want to watch that one. It's about parents who visit their kids but their kids don't want to see them.
MOM: It's not my story. Fiction. I can enjoy it for what it is. Fiction.

100 Ideas For Sit-Coms Involving Two Roommates Pt. 1

1. A black guy and a white guy share an apartment in New York. But as the series goes on, we learn that they might actually be living in New Jersey.
2. A Yale English Literature graduate moves into an apartment with his best friend, a Physics Major. Little does he know that not only is his roommate an evil scientist, but that he is the subject of his roommates experiments!
3. A former Egyptian prince wakes up in his pyramid. He has been dead for 2000 years. He has only one thing on his mind: poon tang. The prince moves to Manhattan, only to find that, though he was rich in his day, exchange rates and inflation have left his fortune practically obsolete. He must get a job as a dish washer, where he meets his roommate, an ex drug addict starting fresh. It's about...dealing with...ummm....accepting the present? Forgetting the past? Moving on? Something like that.
4.. A black guy moves into an apartment in a prestigious and predominately white neighborhood with his girlfriend, the white daughter of the CEO of a major corporation. Racism ensues.
5. Two Jewish guys move to a small town in the deep south. They are there to investigate the murder of a girl. They must pretend to be Protestant in order to survive. Religious Persecution ensues.
6. Two men are hospitalized due to SARS. While they are asleep, everyone else flee. They wake up and realize they are the only remaining people left in town...that is, until the ghosts of their dead fathers show up!
7. A husband and wife living in Seattle move in together, only to realize they are brother and sister. Incest ensues.
8. A man lives with a goat in Boston. One day, the goat starts speaking english; the next, speaks of the approaching Apocalypse. At first the man is convinced he is crazy. But when little things the goat says start coming true...the Apocalypse may not be so whack after all. If there is any hope left in this world...it's a goat.
9. An old man learns he will die in four years. He decides to go to college. He lives with a hip black guy. A reserved Asian guy lives next door.
10. Two Zombies grow tired of hunting for brains and decide to start a chain of coffee bars.

Paul Mccartney's "Dance Tonight"

Paul McCartney used a new songwriting technique for this song. It's called writing an entire song around the first phrase that came to his mind. It was invented by John Mayer.

Soulja Boy (its late but fuck it)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpocrqvP2Yg&feature=rec-fresh

All this time I've been concerned with rapping about my world view and political commentaries. Why didn't anybody tell me I could just rap about my name!!!!

My Chemical Romance

This is actually really awesome! I don't care if it's hip to hate them, this song is super great. I finally realize that kids like us CAN win!

Snatch the Tarrot Card Reading Vagina

I had this idea for a web series. It would be a talk show with Snatch the Tarrot Card Reading Vagina. Each episode, viewers would call in and discuss problems they are having. Then Snatch the Tarrot Card Reading Vagina would read some tarrot cards and see what fate held for the viewers. Oh and obviously, Snatch the Tarrot Card Reading Vagina would have a mohawk.

Tha Carter 3 Promo 4 w/Marcus Rubio

A Conversation That Did Happen w/Marcus Rubio

ME: "Marcus, what's up?"
MAR: "just thinking about how annoying racism is."
ME: "I'll say."

Erika & Payam Forever

When we heard that two people we knew were dating, my brother and I got really excited. This excited:

Breaking Up

Relationships aren't over until you listen to the Smiths.

Parents Just Dont Understand

How do parents see Jamaican flags and Bob Marley posters in their kids room and not assume their kid is smoking pot?

How do kids think their parents won't think they smoke pot if they put Jamaican flags and Bob Marley posters on the walls of their room?

Lil Wayne Promos 2 & 3

Its a good cd.

Oasis

Hey Oasis, stop telling me what to do via your album titles.

Dig Out Your Soul. Don't Believe the Truth. Fuck you.

Lil Wayne Promo #1

I made this on my own! Its awesome. The summer has truly begun!

New Computer! EXCITE!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! IM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm uploading a video I just made...from my room!!!! Its so bitchin!!!!! WICKED!!! I have final cut express at my house. It rules.

I will post it here as soon as I can. Its about a not too surprising subject matter.

Bland Conversation Deja Vu

Lately I've been getting deja vu about bland conversations I've had with girls on terrible dates. Only I can't remember who the bland conversation was with. I'll be driving past a Pizza Hut KFC hybrid, and I'll remember talking to some girl about these fast food hybrid restaurants, and remember how uninterested she was in the subject, but for the life of me I cannot remember who the particular uninterested girl was. Which then leads to me think, "was I dreaming this bad date?" Which then lead me to me think, "why am I dreaming about having boring dates?"

San Francisco/Liz Phair/Ice Cream/Lil Wayne

Why is San Francisco a great city?

Because thrice, thrice, thrice as I walked through this fair city did a car pass me listening to Lil Wayne's "A Milli".

It was a wonderful night. First off, I went to La Taqueria, which oddly enough does not translate to "Heaven on Earth". If you are familiar with La Taqueria, you can probably see how I would get confused. I think I've picked up on the secret of San Francisco: nothing in the city is really important unless there's a McDonalds nearby. The Haight Ashbury Park, La Taqueria...and other places too I'm sure.

After La Taqueria, or "the Taqueria" as I call it, I went over to the Amoeba Music near Haight & Ashbury. It's a wonderful store. You can actually listen to a lot of cd's in their entirety on their listening stations. I got Spiritualized's Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating Through Space, an Arthur Russell album, and My Bloody Valentine's Glider EP. I listened to parts of My Morning Jacket's new album, and it actually seems really interesting. Someone asked me if I worked there; it kinda made my day. I wish I did. I wish I had a job for that matter.

The reason I went to San Francisco to begin with was to see Liz Phair. But I still had like twenty minutes to kill before the concert, so I went around the corner hoping to find a place to get an ice tea. Instead, I found one of these uber modern yogurt places, the kind that only has 2 or 3 flavors of ice cream and a million different topings, from fruit to Captain Crunch. And they always have really modern layouts and architecture. The walls are always predominately white too, with cirles and wave like patterns. This place was called Jubili, and it was actually really awesome. There are these places like this in LA called Pinkberry that people from LA are always raving about. I used to think they sounded like idiots. But after going to Jubili, I can see where someone would go apeshit over a place like this. It's really quite awesome.

I talked to one of my all time top homies Marcus Rubio too. He is doing well; he's hanging out a lot with a girl who is going to the Rhode Island School of Design. He says, "yea I guess she's pretty good at art", I'm like, "of course man! She's going to RISD! That's like the best art school in the country!!!" Apparently she is also really cool and they talk a lot and had a fun date. They did not go shoot hoops, as I suggested he do. I think this is a great idea for a date, ask a girl "hey you wanna go shoot hoops?" I have yet to try it out, but I think it will work especially well for an un-athletic guy like me. Hilarity is bound to ensue, and I could see it turning romantic. Anyway, she made him a really cool shirt. Marcus also went to Austin today with his good friend Kaitlin. They saw Islands do an instore at Waterloo, which I think is the best record store ever, though SF Amoeba is close.

Then I went and saw Liz Phair perform Exile in Guyville in its entirety. I thought she was going to be performing it alone acoustic, but she had a band. I think this was a great idea. It was seriously amazing. I think I was the only person in there who has ever bought something from an American Apparel; everyone else seemed like a married couple. People around me were talking about their business getting four million dollars donated to them. Liz Phair did say at one point, "I gotta ask: did everyone here buy this record back in the day?" I was the only one who didn't scream yes, because I was 4 "back in the day" she was referring to. "6'1" was amazing, as was "Help Me Mary", "Divorce Song" was amazing too, and "mesmerizing", and especially "fuck and run". She is really great live, she has good banter. For an encore, she came out and said "I literally did not practice anything. But this is good, I used to fear performing live, and I thought the best thing that could happen was something awful would happen outside like a fire or something, and we'd be forced to stay inside, and I would be like 'i guess I could play some more songs or something'". It was great. These two hippie guys next to me apparently did not know she would be performing Exile in Guyville, and thought half of the songs were off of her last album. They also used phrases like "she's got it goin ON!" and "daaaaaaaaaaaamn!"

On the way out I got stuck standing next to a really smelly gay guy.

All and all it was a really fun night. I need to hang out with myself more often.

Desert Island iPod

I was thinking about what my desert island albums would be. But then I started thinking, as I think many who have started thinking about what albums they would bring to a desert island, it might be incredibly inpractical. Again, I'm sure everyone has thought of this, but the more you think about it, the less sense it makes to take ten albums with you on a plane or a boat or by whatever means of transportation.

1. What if there's no CD/record player on the island?
2. What if you only bring CD's but you find a turntable on the island?
2b. What if you can only find a casette player?
3. What if you can find a CD/record/cassete player but can't find an electrical outlet to plug it in to?
4. What if you're too busy hunting boars and escaping from the Others to listen to music?

Then it hit me: a Desert Island iPod. It would be a really expensive iPod with a battery that could last three years, even if you had it on 24/7. You wouldn't need an electrical outlet, and could listen to it while you hunt animals or run from scary black smoke monsters.

The only problem with the Desert Island iPod would be that, due to the massive battery and energy cost, the Desert Island iPod would only have room for ten albums.

Summer

I know it's summer when I see my friends from school driving, but I don't wave because they look to stoned too recognize me.

Little America

Things I want to do in film school:
1) kung fu film in the style of Buster Keaton
2) something with puppets
3) something called Little America

Hoes Up in Tha Carter!

I just found out that there's a song on Tha Carter called "Hoes". How cool is that?

It is official Lil Wayne day here at Dolphin Habitat.

Famous People I Think I Could Hang Out With 2

I think Lil Wayne could have a lot of fun together. After buying Tha Carter III, today went from being pretty rough to super awesome. Wayne (I'll probably call him Wayne, since we're probably going to be really, really, really close friends) has a very inventive and original lyrical style. He's very funny too; I get along well with funny people.

However, Wayne is a rapper. Rapper's are expected to be tough and hard egged. I like to think that I am very warm, friendly and open with my emotions. I think Wayne will welcome this kind of person in his life. I will not think less of Wayne when he admits to me some of his inner secrets; I will accept him for who he is. I bet I can get Wayne to open up within two playdates; I'll know Wayne better than some of his tightest roadies and homies. I might even get him to quit salvation through drugs and convince him to reconnect with his birth father.

Yes, I do believe that me and Wayne could become BF4E.

Emily

Isn't this a great song? I sing it a lot when I'm alone.

Lil Wayne the James Joyce of Hip Hop

Is Lil Wayne the James Joyce of Hip-Hop?

If so, Tha Carter 3 is his Ulysses.

And if that is so, Jay Z is Lil Wayne's Homer, thus making the Blueprint his the Odyssey.

Don't tell anyone though. I don't quite know. I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to be exposed for the Hip Hop Philistine I really am.

Negotiating With Terrorists

Should you really never negotiate with Terrorists? It seems to me that there could be some pretty legitimate extenuating circumstances.

SITUATIONS I THINK MERIT NEGOTIATION:
1. You're buying a used car from a Terrorist. That seems like a perfectly reasonable time to negotiate. Is a Terrorist really going to kill six hostages because you want to pay 1000 dollars less than the Blue Book value?

2. You're at a restaurant with your wife, and you're facing the window, and there's a terrible glare off of someone's car window, and you notice a Terrorist has sunglasses on. Why not? He has sunglasses on. Maybe it depends on how friendly he looks, but it still seems like it's worth a shot.

3. You run an independent hardware store that's having trouble competing with the likes of Home Depot.

Top 10 Sickest Basslines of 2008 (So Far, but Probably Overall Nonetheless)

1. "Time Will" by Hercules and Love Affair
2. "Hercules Theme" by Hercules and Love Affair
3. "You Belong" by Hercules and Love Affair
4. "Athene" by Hercules and Love Affair
5. "Blind" by Hercules and Love Affair
6. "Iris" by Hercules and Love Affair
7. "Easy" by Hercules and Love Affair
8. "This Is My Love" by Hercules and Love Affair
9. "Raise Me Up" by Hercules and Love Affair
10. "True/False, Fake/Real" by Hercules and Love Affair

Coincidentally this is also the track list to Hercules and Love Affair's debut album. Note that the songs are ranked in in chronological order, not by Sickness.

Some might argue that 4 of these songs do not have a Bassline, to which I say to you two things:
1) Those 6 other songs that have enough awesomeness to fill up a Top 30 list of Sick-Ass Basslines
2) Who do you think you are?

the Glittery Dildo Stories

You should read them!

Interested in Fashion?

I just saw a perfect advertisement.

It said, "interested in fashion?" That's it. Well, that's all that I remember. And there lies the beauty of it. It doesn't waste your time. It cuts to the point. It doesn't trick you with some frilly, clever slogan. You either are or you aren't. It did not waste much of my time. I did not have to think very hard about it. I am not interested in fashion, and thus, I did not click on it. If I were, I would have.

What I like about it was how succinct it was. It said everything it needed to in three words. It raised a question that the reader can easily answer. That's very rare these days. Ever since "Got Milk" came out, it's like there's this onslaught of ads that make you think. I don't know if I got milk at home; I think I do, but I don't really know. I have to think about how important milk is in my life. Not so is the

But yea, I'm almost positive "Interested in Fashion?" was made by a design company or school. Sure, I support fashion, but I don't think I really want to be a part of it. I don't think it would satisfy me.

Which is not to say anything bad about people who want to be fashion designers. I think that's wonderful. My friend Naveed does, and I think that's really cool. People gotta do what they love.

However, sometimes I wonder if "People gotta do what they love" is such good advice. Sure, it has inspired a lot of artists, actors and astronauts to follow their dreams; but seriously, what about child molestors? They love small children. Saying "People gotta do what they love" is pretty vague; a child molestor could interpret that as, "make love to children". And you know, he could use that as a defense in a court of law. Because the thing about advice or catch phrases or slogans or mottos or whatever you would classify "People gotta do what they love" as, they don't come with specific clauses or anything, you know? There's no asstoric at the end that says, 'does not apply to: child molestation, arson, murder, gang rape...'

But yea, that's what's great about "Interested in Fashion?" It requires no thought.

Pens

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3VlhD4nGHM

I made this!

Funny T-Shirt Report

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3VlhD4nGHM

I had the chance to sit down and talk with my mom. An interview ensued.

The Glittery Dildo Stories: Kyle and Sheryl

So this is what I've been doing for a while!

This is what I turned in and read outloud to my English class. It went really well, and I'm really happy about it. I got some really flattering compliments, and it just feels good to have finally written a short story. I'll post the second one later.


A glittery vagina can mean different things to different people.
******
Kyle had been in Australia for six months on business. His wife stayed at their home in Oakland the entire time. While many men when away from their wives for as long as six months might contemplate infidelity-and many of these many men actually do cheat on their wives-Kyle never even thought of cheating.
Granted, Kyle was still capable of recognizing attractive features in other women, but none could even compare to his wife Sheryl. In Sheryl he had found the perfect woman: nice and kind, tits and ass. Her body made his co-workers jealous and her personality made his parents glow. And while she may have been less fit mentally than every other woman he had dated, she possessed none of the complications so common among the smart women Kyle had dated and grown to despise being with. Besides, Kyle had enough extra IQ points to pass onto their children. Ultimately the two’s intelligence would average out to a decently intelligent kid or two. It was mostly nurture that influenced a child’s intelligence anyway, Kyle reasoned.
Kyle met Sheryl in college. He was instantly attracted to her and instantly convinced she was out of his league. But he continued talking to her whenever their paths would cross throughout the year. He was always struck by how sweet she was, especially for someone so beautiful. She could have easily been a bitch and never gotten any flack for it.
For the first half of his sophomore year, Kyle was romantically entangled with a girl named Susan. She was the kind of person who listened to Neutral Milk Hotel and Dinosaur Jr. not because she enjoyed them, but because she thought listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Dinosaur Jr. might make her seem interesting, because most people who listen to Neutral Milk Hotel and Dinosaur Jr. are considered interesting. It worked. It was a relationship filled with unnecessary complications and general misery. Susan would insist she was in love with Kyle and then always back out on dates. She was always going out of town for Lacrosse tournaments or something. One day on a whim when Susan was “going to a tournament in Palo Alto”, Kyle ran into Sheryl at a Laundromat. He asked if she wanted to go out. She did and they did. And like that they were together. She never led him along. She was always honest and open. He always knew where he stood with her.
If there was a flaw in their relationship, it was sexual. Throughout his life, sex had been somewhat absent to Kyle. Two years without physical contact was not unusual. Sheryl, on the other hand, had somewhat of a slut reputation throughout high school. Kyle was used to being ignored before even having sex with a girl; Sheryl was used to being ignored after having sex with a guy. Kyle was under-experienced and Sheryl was over-experienced. He knew she was mostly happy with their relationship, but Kyle always suspected he was never quite pleasing her. She would say “you’re doing great” and “don’t stop”, but it felt like she was just nicely saying “keep trying” and “I’m a little bored”. ******
Sheryl had six hours before her husband came home from a six month long business trip and learned that his wife’s vagina was covered in glitter. She intended to use every minute of those six hours in the bath, washing off every last spec of glitter.
After her husband had been in Australia for three months, Sheryl had a small party at the house for a couple of her closest friends. They talked about the kind of things close friends talk about when they have small parties. By eight o’clock, everyone had left but her closest friend Lucy. Somehow the subject of masturbation came up. Lucy was the kind of person that talked candidly about their sex life and expected everyone else to talk just as candidly. “Oh come on, I just told you I slept with my boss on the company photo copier! You have to tell me!” She would say. It was as if she talked about her exploits just to learn about other peoples.
“I just…don’t. I don’t know, every since I started dating Kyle I just haven’t felt the desire.”
The next day there was a knock at the door. Through the window by the couch Sheryl saw Lucy’s car speeding away. Lucy had left a wrapped present on the front door. “To my dear friend Sheryl”, the card on top read, “from your guardian angel.”
Sheryl opened the box. It was a dildo, covered in glitter. Lucy later confirmed that it was a very expensive one that was made by some company in Mexico that was now out of business. Glittery dildos in mint condition could fetch insanely high prices on eBay apparently. It was something like champagne to certain people.
The box stayed in the bottom drawer of a dresser for two months and three weeks. Kyle had told her he never masturbated. She told Kyle she never masturbated either. And it was true after they started dating. While she had no intention of breaking this unspoken agreement, she became a little nervous when she realized her husband would be coming home in a week. She worried that her vagina had become desensitized from inactivity; it was the longest dry spell she had ever had. Ultimately, she decided it would be rude to waste a gift a friend had spent so much money on.
Kyle took the latest possible flight home, hoping to postpone the inevitably disappointing intercourse as much as possible. It was not just the fact that Kyle had not had sex in six months that worried him. Kyle had not had an orgasm in six months. Kyle was the only man he had ever known who never masturbated. Even Kyle’s most religious friends, whose church deemed them sinners for masturbating, masturbated more than Kyle. It was not out of a deep-seated faith that Kyle remained abstinent; he had never even come to a conclusion on where he stood spiritually. Kyle just never saw the point.
Sheryl met her husband Kyle in college. He was unlike every guy she had ever been with:
• He called her the day after they had sex for the first time.
• He sent her charming text messages when they were not together.
• He listened to her when she talked
He was not the most attractive guy she had ever been with, but it was the first time in her life she could care less. For the first time in her life someone she had found someone who cared about her and had no intentions of dumping her once they got what they wanted.
If there was a flaw in their relationship, it was intellectual. There were many times when it was clear that Kyle’s mind operated on a very different level than Sheryl’s. Kyle would ask her to go with him to movies at these small theaters in college towns every once in a while, with these four hour long French movies where a guy would sleep with a girl a bunch of times, then have pointless, never ending conversations about life or books or something. Kyle would come out of the theater talking about how it was indicative of the “decaying morality of society”, and Sheryl would just nod. He would try and explain it to her, but he would often just become more confusing.
******
Kyle spent about fifteen minutes thumbing through a People Magazine at a newsstand in the Airport lobby. When he finally arrived at their house, he had the cab driver circle the block a few times, then drive him up to the mailbox, then over to Starbucks because his throat was killing him and he had not had caffeine all day, then finally back home.
Sheryl was waiting for Kyle on the couch by the front door. She thought standing right in front of the front door would scream “I’m trying really hard to pretend nothing is wrong”. She felt waiting in the bedroom on the opposite end of the house implied “I’m hiding from you because I have something to hide”. “Yes”, she thought, “the couch by the front is the smart move” especially since Sheryl had a magazine in her hand. There is nothing suspicious about a woman sitting on a couch reading a People magazine. Finally Sheryl could hear the lock of the door turning. She felt torn. She did not want to face Kyle, but she equally did not want to wait for him any longer. “I’m home!”
“I missed you!” They hugged and stood in silence. “Let me get your bags. Are you tired?” If he was tired that was good.
They stood talking by the front door for a half hour.
******
Kyle sat down at the dinner table. Sheryl had made Lemon Chicken Pasta. He knew he should tell her that he had had a blueberry coffee cake at Starbucks. But since he was bound to disappoint her in bed later that night, he thought he might as well not disappoint her at the dinner table. Or was now the better time to disappoint her? On one hand, the coffee cake disappointment might make the sexual disappointment easier to swallow. She would be going into the bedroom that night already disappointed; she probably would not even be surprised or moved by the sexual disappointment. But on the other hand, she might only be capable of handling a fixed amount of disappointment in a day. Two acts of disappointment might throw her overboard.
He ate the pasta.
While Kyle was glad to see his wife, thinking about the night to come haunted him. Would he even be able to have an orgasm? What if it came too quickly? What if it never came? Would he even be able to get an erection? He wondered if he would always remember this as the day his marriage fell apart.

While Sheryl was glad to see her husband, thinking about the night to come haunted her. What would he do if he found out? Would he cry? Hit her? Divorce her? Cheat on her? She wondered if she would always remember this as the day her marriage fell apart.
“I have to go to the bathroom” she said.
“Great!” Kyle shouted. “For…you.”
She rushed off to the bathroom at the top of the stairs and started to draw a bath. She threw her clothes off as the water rose. When the water had barely even reached her ankles, she started pounding away with a bar of Irish Springs soap, scrubbing hard enough to make her wince in pain.
******
Sitting at the dinner table, Kyle was a nervous wreck. It was already 8:00. Unless he came up with an idea by 10:30 at the latest, he was fucked. Suddenly, it became clear to him what he had to do. He could hear the bath water running. He figured this gave him 20 minutes at the most. He ran to his computer and got on Google. He typed in “porn”. He found himself overwhelmed with options. He decided to try another search. He typed in “boobs” and clicked on the first link that popped up. Unfortunately it led him to some kind of medical website that had information on breast cancer. At first Kyle was mad, but he then decided to bookmark the website. It probably had information his wife needed. Kyle decided it would be best to specify his first search. Remembering a conversation he overheard two co-workers having in the bathroom, he added the word “German” to his search. While this still amounted to an overwhelming amount of options, time was running out and he had no time to be selective. He clicked on the first page that came up. There were no pictures and the text was written in German. Returning to the Google page, Kyle clicked randomly on the fifth item, which within seconds gave him a computer virus. His computer shut down immediately.
******
Sheryl had been scrubbing for ten minutes when she felt like her right arm was going to fall off. She decided to take a break and she what kind of progress she was making. She tried to see by bending over but it hurt her neck. She could barely even see anyway. In a flash of inspiration she decided to use the mirror behind the sink, in which she’d started at herself while brushing her teeth for years, for a practical purpose. She put her left leg up on the sink, putting her entire glittering vagina on display. She was slightly blinded by the incandescent light bouncing off the glitter.
******
With the computer trashed, Kyle realized he would have to settle things on his own. He ran into their bedroom, thinking the abundant presence of his wife’s underwear might serve some hefty inspiration. A handshake or two later he thought about how easily it would be for his wife to walk in on him in the bedroom. He needed a place that could give him some privacy. The bathroom was taken, the guest room was stuffy, the closet would just be weird and the kitchen was just inappropriate. There was truly only one place Kyle could be guaranteed safety: the couch by the front door. It was around the corner from the base of the wooden stairs. The bathroom was upstairs. If his wife was coming down the stairs he would be able to hear her echoing footsteps. He would have ample time to cover up. The only con was actually not very severe either. The back of the couch was directly in front of a large window that looked out on the front lawn, which was next to the sidewalk, which their neighbors walked on. But luckily, while Kyle was in Australia his wife had installed drapes next to the windows. All he had to do make his list of pros and cons a list of pros was close the drapes. It was a flawless idea.
******
Sheryl had worn through half a bar of soap and was about to give up. She had barely made a difference. She considered running down to the kitchen to get a sponge and dishwasher soap, but the risk of being seen by Kyle, and thinking of an excuse for taking a sponge and dishwasher soap into a bathroom, ruled the idea out. She noticed a bottle of bleach at the base of the sink. Would it work? Was it too dangerous? Would it permanently scar her? The glitter might disappear in a week; she might be able to put off having sex for a week. Bleach marks would just prove that there had been something suspicious there before the bleach.
The preparations were complete for Kyle to masturbate for the first time in his life. He had grabbed lotion from the bedroom because he had heard that helps (Sheryl suffered from dry skin during the winter). Right as he was about to get started, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. Would Sheryl really be offended if he was a lousy lay one night? He might return to his former capacity in time with practice.
Kyle suddenly realized he had an erection, which he would clearly have to get rid of. He did not have time to think about Baseball; if he ran into Sheryl with an erection, he would need a logical explanation for his erection. He had no logical explanation for his erection.
He began. And then a few seconds later ended. Relieved, Kyle stood up to stretch. He checked his shirt to see if he’d left a stain. It was as clear as it was five minutes ago. He was halfway to the staircase when he remembered a vital detail: the drapes were open when he got there. It was while opening the drapes, on the drapes, that he noticed a very, very clear and significant indicator of his couch activities.
With no time to panic, he ripped the drapes off and bolted upstairs to the washing machine. It did not matter that it was across the hall from the bathroom; he would have to take the risk and think of an excuse later.
******
Sheryl had given up. She decided she would just have to make up an excuse to not have sex. She couldn’t tell Kyle she was on her period; he knew she always got them at the end of the month, and if she told him she had one now he would think she had been late at one point. And if he thought she was late at one point he would think she had thought she was pregnant. And if he thought she was pregnant he would think she had cheated on him, which would probably end worse than if he knew she had bought a glittery dildo from the Sex Shoppe.
The best idea she had was to pretend to be furious about something stupid and trivial, Say it was “symbolic of everything wrong with our marriage” or something. Maybe this was the end of their marriage.
Sheryl put on a bathrobe and opened the door to see Kyle leaping up the stairs with the new drapes in his hands, rippling through the air like a flag. Once he saw that she saw him, he stopped dead in his tracks. There was an odd stain on the drapes, the kind of stain you recognize when you grow up with three teenage brothers.
In complete and utter confusion, and an almost whisper, she asked, “what are you doing with our drapes?”
It was silent.
******
Kyle could not lie to her, cum-stained drapes in his hands or not. “I beat off for the first time on the couch.” Beat off or beated off?
Sheryl looked surprised. And then after a short kaleidoscope of emotions, she looked completely emotionless. She opened her bathrobe and left her left leg in the air, leaning on the wall for balance. They stood in the hall together for quite a while, Sheryl with her leg in the air, Kyle with the drapes in his hands, laughing. They were finally on equal footing.

Mothfight!!!!!

My dear friend Marcus Rubio is living it big Willie Style right now.

A song of his band Mothfight was just put on Pitchfork! Which is really fucking awesome.

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/page/news

Its in the article about the KVRX live compilation, it mentions Islands too.

Way to go Marcus!!!! This is seriously amazing. You are a talented man with a bright future.

Dildo Update

I've finished rough drafts of two of the Glittery Dildo Stories!!! 28 hand written pages!! It's a lot for me!! I'm really proud of one of them in particular, it involves drapes. I think the other one is alright too.

I'll post them on here when I finish.

Gay Dance Party in Heaven

In Heaven, everything is fine.

Good Gracious!

This jam is off the hook! Goodness! "Let me see you-look at that bootay" INDEED!!!!!

Goodness. Oh, goodness, this gets my blood pumping! Spank Rock, you are the Saint of Booty-or should I say B.O.O.T.A.Y.-Shaking.

Coconut Rum-A Man's Drink

Cocunut Rum is not a pussy drink. Coconut Rum is a real mans drink. Why? Because real men are in touch with their feelings. Real men aren't afraid to be honest and open about their feelings. Real men do what they want because they want to, not because their actions are socially accepted as "manly". Everyone loves the taste of Coconut Rum. Real Men are part of everyone. Ergo, Real Men love Coconut Rum.

To Belarus, With Love

Dear Belarus,
How are you doing? It's been a while, just wanted to check up, see how things were going. I saw that Lukashenko got reelected! That's great, he's good for you. Really, much better than Khrushchev ever was! Haha, just kidding.
I'm doing pretty good actually. We've been doing okay economically, getting a little better each day.
I just wanted to say too, that I'm sorry about how things ended. I really do love you. And I miss you. The USSR was nothing without you. I know you're on your own now, and you're happy, and you're doing great; and I don't want to try and change that. I just want you to know I never meant to hurt you, and I always loved you. I still do. My heart was just in the wrong place. It was a bad time for me. I thought I wanted something, but I didn't realize how wrong I was until I finally got it. I'm sorry I had to put you through that. And I'm sorry it's taken me so long to open up to you about this. Honestly, I don't have a good reason for keeping silent all this time. I will say that I honestly regret not showing you how I felt for so long.
Again, I will always love you. You mean the world to me. I hope that someday, we can talk again. Someday, be as close as we once were.

With love,
Russia

Graduation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxYDsHgtKPU

I hope you enjoy this song I wrote way back when.

Marcus Rubio

Marcus Rubio is an awesome friend and dude. He makes music and he has a music myspace. I shall speak of his greatness: he is an awesome friend and dude. He makes music and he has a music myspace. He is good at conversations and is interesting. He listens well and tells good stories. Friend him in your heart, and on your myspace. You shall not regret it. He has been my friend since the sixth grade, and distance has not dwindled our friendship. He is very supportive too. He has persuaded me to go on in spite of bitches and a-holes countless times, and I wrote an essay about him that got me into college.

Why? Because he rules.

Lilly Allen, Amy Winehouse

Lilly Allen makes Amy Winehouse look like Hillary Duff.

Oh the simpler days of Early 2006.

The Glittery Dildo Stories

This is a pitch for an english Project. I want to do it, but we have to present it, and I dont want to talk about dildos in front of 12 18-year-old girls.

For my final project I will be writing a series of stories, with a unifying object tying them all together. The unifying object will be a brand of dildo manufactured in Mexico during the turn of the 90’s. Considered one of the finest dildos of its time, but shut down due to faulty management, the object is one of the most sought after and expensive of its kind. However, due to its glittery appearance, it has been known to leave its mark.
My biggest inspiration for the project is Raymond Carver. His short stories are amazing. I was really inspired by the way he paints portraits of characters with such vivid scars and honesty, as well as his ability to make gripping stories about dull, everyday subject matter. His characters never aspire to anything that much greater than the life they have. Another author I enjoy the short stories of is Roald Dahl, who once said that short stories are harder to write than novels because in a short story, one bad sentence can ruin the entire work. I plan to take this to heart. I’d also like to write one of the stories in the style of Roald Dahl’s adult horror stories, such as “Skin” or “Taste”. The idea of doing very diverse stories from different literary genres, with only an object truly connecting them, sounds appealing, though I’ll probably scrape it in the end if it does not work out.
One of my goals in the project is to show the mundane qualities of taboo subject matters. I’m sure by the title of my project; most people will assume I’ve written erotic stories. My stories will not be about people having sex, but about how a sex object affects their lives afterwards. I aim not to arouse, but to explore life after the arousal.
One of my stories will be about a man named Kyle, who realizes that while he was away on business his wife “kept busy”. It’s an emotionally crushing experience for him, a man who has been entirely faithful to his wife. He does not even masturbate. Only his wife, and Kyle when he pees and puts on underwear, touches Kyle’s genitalia. Another story will focus on Kyle’s wife, Mary, and the anxiety she experiences trying to clean the glitter off of her vagina before her husband returns.
At first, I chose to use a glittery dildo because it was the first funny thing that popped into my head, and I liked the juxtaposition of those two words. But as I thought about it more, I decided that it was the perfect symbol of the mark sex leaves on us. While the act itself might be pure and fine, it practically leaves a mark for society to know to scorn a person. It’s my updated version of the red letter A from the Scarlet Letter.

Robyn

Robyn was fucking amazing.

It was seriously awesome.

Instead of an opening band, there was a DJ. Which is a really good idea. I'm tired of mediocore bands that are mildly interesting that end up giving me nothing but sore feet and back pain. This DJ was awesome. He even played Daft Punk, which I think is the number one rule of being a DJ: no matter how much you suck, if you play "one more time", you will redeem yourself. No matter how bad shit gets, if you play "one more time", people will dance.

I realized two things very soon:
1) there were a lot of gay men
2) gay men are tall

I could not see shit these gay men were so tall. It was a harsh reality I came to know all too fast: either dance and give up on my chance to actually see Robyn, or stand stil at an awkward angle on my tippy toes and take in her full Swedish glory. I switched it up.

I think if I'd worn the Hawaiian shirt I wore to school today I could've gotten a few drinks.

Robyn kicked ass. She has a real great pressence. It was pretty awesome, right before "Konitchiwa Bitches" she did a melody of songs, including "Sexual Eruption", "Push It", and kinda like "You Really GOt Me" but not really. She had two drummers and a keyboard player, and it rocked. They really added a lot to the show, lotta power I guess you could say. She's awesome. Did two versions of "Be Mine", the second for the second encore, just with piano. It was very beautiful, but the crowd was kind of obnoxious whenever she would sing ballads like "Eclipse". Also, covered Prince's "Jack U Off" for the first encore! It ruled.

I bet Ive said awesome 8 times. It's a little too late to think of synonyms.

The best thing about the night was the chance to test out some new dance moves, what with the Senior Ball approaching. Let's just say, I have a few in up my sleaves.

Dilemna

I find myself in a very promosing situation.

In a short moment I will be embarking on a short road trip, about an hour in each direction, roughly enough time to listen to an entire album each way. My constant travelling companion will be staying home. That means-I have the car stereo to myself.

How shall I use this oportunity? The best idea is to listen to something my brother does not like. What, though, shall it be? There seems to be two options:
1) This is a perfect chance to listen to acts my brother hates: Liz Phair, Liars, Deerhunter, or Ted Leo's (Hearts of Oak(he likes Tyranny of Distances)).

2) Listen to something new that I haven't had a chance to listen to yet, such as: Sebadoh's III. Since my brother won't be there to complain if it sucks, this is a good use of time. However, if I dont enjoy this new music that I've chosen to listen to, I may have ultimately wasted time.

So really, one is the safest bet. But...I mean...there's no risk, but I know what I'm getting into. It's the argument Benja makes in that episode of Seinfeld where he takes Jerry to Mendy's and orders the soup.

Summer

Finally, a legitimate reason to walk around my house naked, sweating, and aimless.

Summer

I like May, it's the most sentimental month. In March and April, everything everyone does is annoying as fuck. In May, it's adorable. Tolerance goes through the roof.

Closure.

Timmy Rocketeer

Yet another new video I made!

This one takes place in space. It was for a video production class Sci Fi unit.

A Brief History of the Vietnam

There once was a country called Vietnam. The country is still called Vietnam, but it has not contributed anything of substance or interest since.

Now Vietnam was a fucking bitch. Selfish, ego-centric...inflated sense of self-importance. Just a total bitch, who was lucky enough to be in a relationship with the United States. And this was the U.S. in the 60's: everyone wanted a piece of the US back then. Sure, it was popular to say you didn't want it, but everyone knew they would drop anything or anyone to get with the U.S.

Now Vietnam had a pretty good thing going with the US, who was WAY out of Vietnam's league. But did Vietnam appreciate the US? NO, the stupid bitch. She thought she was better than the US. Basically, Vietnam started doing some pretty awful shit to itself. And the US was like, "Babe, you're out of control, you need to stop!" And Vietnam was like, "Blah blah blah, F-OFF, DONT TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY LIFE!! I DO WHAT I WANT WHENEVER I WANT." So then they started fighting. And it got pretty bad.

At first everyone was behind the US. But then it started going on for a really long time. People started wondering why the US was still going at it. Why would a country that so clearly better than another country waste so much time on that country, when it could easily move on? Was it trying to prove a point? Was that point worth proving?

Finally, the U.S. admitted that it was stupid to go after that bitch Vietnam. The U.S. lost took a huge blow to its reputation after that. And much to no ones surprise, Slutty Vietnam almost destroyed itself. Since then, the U.S. has been in a very successful relationship with a very successful country, England. The U.S. has also flirted with some other hot countries, including a very tumultuous affair with Iraq, which did not go well either. Vietnam is still a whore.

Trails

TRAILS
You can't hide your trails. No matter how hard you try, people are going to find them. But if you make fake trails that lead people in the opposite direction-you may just die another day.

2003

2003-that was a good year.

DAD

I waited 18 years to get to a point where my dad would talk about his sexual escapades. It was worth it.

69

I have 69 posts!

This deserved to be mentioned and documented.

Evil Twin Syndrome

I made this too!

Treeway

I made this! And I'm excited because it's on youtube. And a little freaked out that five people saw it before I even knew it had properly loaded.

Billy Joel

I want to live in a Billy Joel music video. I'm tired of all the bullshit in my life, I just want to walk around with four other guys, snapping our fingers, harmonizing, singing about girls, choreographing dances-keeping it real.

Is this how Billy Joel lives his daily life, or only in music videos? Because if this is a day in the life of BJ* I want to be a part of it. I've seen every episode of Entourage, I know how this works. I'm willing to be a supportive friend to BJ, but only if supporting Billy Joel entails song and dance.

What's great is every Billy Joel music video appears to have the same set-up. "Billy is (insert place). Four of his friends show up singing. He thinks, "WHOA, what are my friends doing here!?!?!?! Singing? Well okay!" Billy Joel never questions whether he should sing or not. For Billy Joel, the answer is always yes.

*the nickname only BJ's best friends call him


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F-nt7aC_JQ&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smeyf8nhM5Q&NR=1

John Mayer: the Scott Walker of Our Time?

Sure it's way too early to predict such a thing. But who knows?

The similarities are quite profound:
1. Both worshipped othe musicians. Scott Walker worshipped Jacques Brel in the early days of his career; John Mayer worships Jim Hendrix.
2. Both have brown hair. Scott's hair has a goldish tint to it, while John's hair has a hint of black.
3. Both play music. Scott Walker sings. John Mayer also sings.

Sure, some might say John Mayer writes "fluffy crap for 12 year old girls". Sure, even the best of his music pales in comparison to the worst song on Scott Walker 2. And sure, odds are John Mayer will spend the later years of his life sleeping with girls who were huge fans of him when they were 12 year old girls and have since become unbelievably busty. But honestly, if anyone's going to make astounding, gut wrenching, avante garde/experimental music, I'm rooting for the guy who wrote "Your Body is a Wonderland".





Is the difference that significant?

Jet Blue

Sometimes, how much my mom loves me surprises me. I always know she loves me, but sometimes she does things that make me think, "WOW, she really does care about me." Today is one such day.

I'm flying home for Christmas this year. Many moms buy their sons plane tickets. But how many moms fly their oldest son home in style? Not many moms are committed to having their son travel on the Rolls Royce of Commercial Airlines.

I'm talking about Jet Blue. I don't know the specifics, but I'm pretty sure it's considered the most erotic plane flight money can buy, easily the Sexiest Airline in existance. It's like Soul Plane for white people. All the flight attendants are former German fashion models. While you might spend your next flight washing your hands with old fashion water, I'll be a thousand miles high cleaning the barbeque sauce off my hands with Vodka. If that seems excessive, you obviously have no right to fly Jet Blue; frankly you're better off flying with your in-bred family of hicks on American Airlines, or maybe just Virgin Airlines, which takes Delusions of Grandeur farther than the most ridiculous passages of Don Quixote.

Yes, my mom is pretty fond of me. I plan to show her that I care just as much for her this weekend, for Mothers Day. I'm buying her an Ice Cream cake that says "Mom".

Origin of Love

Watching this, it's impossible to not think about how much this film changed my life.

Things Which Are Whimsical #1

Small dogs!



You're at a friends house,
you see something going under the table.
looks like a cat
you think, "oh no! My allergies!"
You don't want to be rude,
ask the host to take their cat outside.
but you don't want your eyes to get red.
Whow ants to sneeze every ten seconds?
And then,the little bugger pokes it's head out
and you realize,
"that's not a cat,
that's a small dog!"

I had an encounter with a small dog a while back. They are precious. Someday I plan to buy a small dog and name it just that-Precious.

New Dentist 3

I've changed my mind about my dentist. I know longer think he's an asshole. I only thought he was an asshole because I thought he would refuse to admit he made a mistake and not take full responsibility. My dentist admitted he made a mistake and agreed to take full responsibility.

"Perchance Some Poetry, Before a Fortnight"-Tom Goes to the Mayor

Today I learned that not all poetry is supposed to have a message, or even theme. Yes, all those times I thought I was dumb for missing the point-sometimes there is no point! SUCK IT LORD ALFRED TENNYSON!

Gravity's Rainbow

I really like that passage from Gravity's Rainbow that describes the guy who had a very livid sexual relationship with a woman. Like, she made him cry?

Why am I being so vague about this, is it because I dont want to spoil it for those who havent read it? Ha-no. It's the only passage, other than the first two pages, I've read of Gravity's Rainbow.

New Dentist 2

I've changed my mind about my dentist, I think he's a fucking asshole.

Sequel

I'm writing a script, it's called Juno 2: Oops I Did It Again.

Lost

Do you think the actors on Lost ever sit around the set wondering, "where the hell is this show going?"

Wizards

I'm tired of motherfucking wizards fucking everything up. Little fucking wizards, fucking around, fucking everything up. Floating around, making magic. Fuck fuck fuck. Ass fuckers is what they are. Fucking up shit here, fucking up shit there. Taking their wizard dumps and leaving wizard shit on the fucking streets I walk to school on. My own fucking street. But oh no, not just my fucking street-my fucking floor. Your fucking floor. Look to your left-what's that? That's an invisible pile of wizard shit. Bet you wish you didnt know that. Sorry. Yea I fucking appologized. Unlike a selfish fucking wizard who is grateful for nothing.

Walker Texas Ranger

I've learned two things from Walker Texas Ranger:
1) Kung Fu is always neccessary
2) Kung Fu is always awesome

Anyone who says morons contribute nothing to society has never watched Walker Texas Ranger.

New Dentist

I got a new dentist today. I like him, he's from New York. All of our between Dentist Duty banter revolved around the fact that I'm moving there. "You'll love it. As long as your rich or young. Are you rich?" "One problem with New York: all the women are gorgeous. Can you handle this?" "Remembert to tell your mother to call me tomorrow."

Drunk Dialing

Today I have come to the shocking realization that people DON'T actually like it when I call them drunk.

Honestly, all this time I have been drinking to dial, under the apparently false assumption that people like talking to me when I am drunk enough to kill myself behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.

It's not like I drunk dial that often too. If I was drunk dialing like, twice a week, I could see how that would be annoying. But I only drink about once every five or so weeks. I've been under the impression that people anticipated my calls like a minor, minor holiday of sorts. But I guess not so.

Thing is, I don't drink for myself. I drink for the community. I get drunk to tell jokes or stories that I might not have come up with sober. Not that they're any better than those my sober self, they're just different. A nice change of pace from teh regular old Dolphin.

I think I've really learned my lesson too; I think I am going to stop. Drinking that is. If I can't drink and dial at the same time I see no point to drink.

Styrofome Cars

My brother says I'm an idiot for buying a styrofome car. But we'll see who is laughing when the Great Acid Rains of 2012 destroy our beloved city, and I make millions in an out of court lawsuit against the Styrofome Car manufacturers.

Sex Scared me Shitless

I saw this video when I was 10 and it scared me. In fact, anything slightly sexy scared me. It's weird, it's not like I grew up in a Religious family. We still don't have a bible in the house. But somehow I was probably more afraid of sex than most Ministers children. And it's not like I considered sex "evil" or anything. I think it just scared me shitless.