Second Hand Luke

Here's the problem with Anti-Smoking PSAs: they're setting their sights to high*. Getting kids to stop smoking is an uphill battle. Face it, they've been fighting it for, I don't know, at least 18 years, and while I don't know the statistics to back up the fact that more kids are smoking, I'm pretty sure such statistics exist. And if you're wondering what kind of credentials give me the right to act like I know everything about statistics, I got a 4 on the AP Stat test. So YEA, I do know everything about Statistics.

Getting kids to stay away from cigarettes and weed is a long term war, a war where the same battle is being refought endlessly. And unfortunately for America, that particular Battle is the epic/final/'it all comes down to this'/showdown/winner takes all battle of America vs Smoking. We lose everytime, and everytime Smoking says, "Come on, I'll give you another shot."

But instead of trying so hard to win this particular battle, we need to fight other battles first. Get a few notches on our belts. Start small and work our way up to the Final Showdown. I mean, it's the final fucking showdown! They wouldn't call it Final if you were supposed to start off with it!

In order to get kids to quit smoking, we need to convince them that second hand smoke is cool. Really cool. Anyone who has seen an episode or two of Twin Peaks will tell you how cool it looks. We get so mystified seeing Audrey Horne lighting up...but how awesome does Dale Cooper look sitting next to her? Doesn't he just look like a badass? You totally know he can smell that smoke.

Sadly, most films and television series tend to cut away from the second hand smoker and focus on the first hand smoker. Audiences have been forced to wonder what awesomeness eludes them for so long, it's as if they no longer care.

Luckily, I've written a screenplay that will change that. It's called Second Hand Luke. Luke is a rebel with an agenda: look after his and only his interests. We open on Luke's smoking hot girlfriend...SMOKING! We slowly move in onto her lips, as the smoke cascades through, and then slowly, pan over to Luke, a true bad ass, standing there, breathing it all in, and avoiding all the serious consequences his smoking hot girlfriend will face later in life, such as Emphysema, Lung Cancer and Bad teeth.

I'm not going to lie, the plot to Second Hand Luke is pretty insignificant. It's downright awful, it's meandering and aimless at the same time, etc, etc. But here's the genius of it: that doesn't matter. Second Hand Luke is a propaganda film. We're not trying to make a great film here; we're trying to get kids to start hanging out with other kids who smoke.

Here's how it works:
a. Sean smokes
b. Tom and Dick start hanging out with Sean
c. Sean gets tired of being the least cool kid in his pack of friends
d. Sean starts hanging out with David
e. David gets tired of being the least cool kid in his pack of friends

And so it goes, until eventually no one smokes.

I think that would work. That is not to say I've actually thought about it. I guess it could work is probably the proper thing to say.

*is this a pun?