New York is the best place

I heart New York so much right now.

Gethard Tour

I'm organizing a tour of New Jersey with Chris Gethard! A personal journey through West Orange with the town's proudest son

3 Cheerleaders

NEw Idea:
the captain of the football team is traded to another team. Three unattractive girls who think they're living in a 70's porno decide to win him back the only way they think they can: with their sexuality.

The girls will be played by me and two other dudes. Or a girl friend of mine with fake teeth.

Cheap Trick "Voices"

It's funny, but listening to this song reminds me how absent romance and love is from my life. I listen to it and feel a way I haven't felt since November, 2007. Once December came this feeling of love had turned into sad longing for someone unavailable. Then I was really sad for a while, then I was just really detached.

God I love Cheap Trick.

Extras/Entourage mashup

I want to make a pilot or webseries or something that combines Extras and Entourage. It would be like, a Vinnie Chase guy who is an extra and really takes being an extra seriously, and he has to decide between being an extra in a Disney movie or Shutter Island. It's like Extras in that the main dude is an extra, but it's like Entourage in that he takes himelf very seriously.

Quizno's Sub SWAT Team

I have this idea for a video sketch where Quizno's hires a SWAT team to break into people's house and feed them subs.

GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR

Also, this is the first sketch I wrote after deciding to write a sketch a day. Again, written in a day, pretty rough, acne.

GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY

Pre-schoolers stand around a classroom stretching. GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR enters.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
OKAY YA’LL ITS TIME TO DO SOME AEROBICS. LET’S DO IT.
He leads them in aerobic work outs, throwing in positive reinforcements.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
THAT’S FUCKIN GREAT YA’LL, KEEP DOIN THAT WHILE I CHECK MY MAIL.
He checks his mail, slowly.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
OH NO YA’LL I GOT CANCER.
(Blackout).

Bermuda Triangle

I decided to write a sketch a day from now on, at least until February 19th.

This is a sketch I just finished, and by just finished I mean wrote a first draft of it. Love it like a child with bad acne, who could one day clear up and go on a date with a girl to a terrible Rob Schneider movie.

PAUL carries LISA into a bedroom.
PAUL
Well Mrs. Kamin, here we are.
LISA
Why thank you, Mr. Kamin.
PAUL
Time to get our freak on!
LISA
(laughs) oh you’re so funny! You when I was a little girl I never thought I would be spending my honeymoon in the Bermuda Triangle, but…here we are!
PAUL
Can you believe it! (beat) say honey, since we’re in the Bermuda…TRIANGLE, and all…maybe we should have a THREEway!
LISA
(beat) Oh you are nothing but a houndog!
PAUL
Woof woof!
LISA
Oh you are nasty!
PAUL
I’ll tell you what’s not nasty, A Bermuda Sex Triangle!
LISA
Well should we go check out the cruise’s buffet?
PAUL
Only if by buffet you mean hot tail for our Bermuda Sex Triangle?
LISA
Paul are you trying to get me to agree to a threeway?
PAUL
No! Not a threeway. A Bermuda Sex Triangle. You know, because…we’re in the Bermuda Triangle.
LISA
Paul why in the world would I want to spend my Honeymoon in a threeway…
PAUL
Bermuda Sex Triangle…
LISA
Bermuda Sex Triangle with you and some tramp we met on a cruise?
PAUL
Lisa, Lisa, I would never…huh, you know what I just realized that’s really funny?
LISA
What?
PAUL
Well I said Lisa, comma, Lisa, but it sounded like Lisa Lisa, lead vocalist of Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam, one of the original American freestyle music groups of the 1980’s, who oddly enough…consisted of 3 people! How odd is it that I should coincidentally mention one of the most important groups of the 1980s, which consisted of THREE members, while on vacation with my beautiful wife in the Bermuda TRIANGLE. (Beat) There are three sides to a triangle.
LISA
Oh my god I can’t believe you! Are you
PAUL
Okay. Great. (Pause) Look honey there’s something else I need to tell you…
LISA
let me just put my suitcase in the closet.
PAUL
Wait what? Oh no let me-
LISA opens the closet. A DEAD HOOKER falls out.
LISA
when were you going to tell me this?
PAUL
I was waiting for you to say “if only hookers weren’t so hard to strangle.”