Achebe, they don't believe me, but you won't let those robots defeat me

This is a short response I wrote for english. It's completely off topic, but only slightly.

Though Chinua Achebe may make many legitamate arguments to support the claim that Joseph Conrad is a racist in his essay “An Image of Africa: Racism in Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darnkess’”, his belief that Joseph Conrad should be removed from the cannon of great literature is unfair and uncalled for. Whether Conrad is a racist or not should not change the pereception of his work. Achebe himself recognizes the immense talent in Conrad’s work. In a very special episode of Growing Pains, Ben not only gets tickets to see his favorite musician’s concert, but much coveted back stage passes. When Ben first goes backstage to meet Ben, he is amazed to find the musician is a friendly guy who does not drink and loves his family. But later, the musician believes Ben has left when he is really only in the bathroom. The musician begins to drink heavily and make out with a groupie, who is not his wife. Ben is mortified. The musician even tells him to screw off. Ben runs home, and decides not to go to the concert. His father, a psychiatrist, suggests that they go see a country singer the dad knows personally perform. He insures Ben that the singer is a great person. “No thanks Dad, his music is lame”, Ben says. “So you’re saying you don’t care about his character, you just don’t want to go because you don’t like his music?” Ben realizes that he should not let the artist affect the artist's art. I am not sure if Chinua Achebe is alive or dead, but if he is alive, I can only hope that Achebe sees this episode on Nick at Nite as soon as possible.

Always True to You In My Fashion

I'm not a fan of the way she sings it, but I really like this song.

Those were different times, those times when I played one of the Gangsters in Kiss Me, Kate. Not really simpler, just different.

Famous People I think I Could be Friends With

If I ever get a chance to produce an album for Ghostface Killah, I would tell Ghostface Killah "let's make a hip hop Graceland."

I think of all the famous people in the world, maybe more than anyone I could be friends with Paul Simon.



It's only recently that I developed any real interest in Paul Simon. Sure, I've enjoyed Paul Simon's music for a very long time. Can you live in America today and not have "Mrs Robinson" or "Sound of Silence" drilled into your brain? But the rest of the SImon and Garfunkel category just never really moved me. It wasn't my, as Snoop Doggy Dogg would say, "G Thang".

Then I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend Marcus Rubio-a talented musician who has a myspace. As a gift he bought me Graceland. It's kind of the best album ever.


But despite my love for Graceland, I just didn't really think we could be BFF's, or even acquantances. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had his back in a fight. (Though to be fair, I am of the school of thought that believe musicians should be murdered after a certain point, as an honor to their legacy, preventing them from making awful music that will make you think, 'hey, maybe they AREN'T that good afterall...' Some musicians who deserve a hanging or tragic slaying: Paul McCartney, Nas, Joni Mitchell. Because seriously, doesn't every new Ben Folds album kinda make you like the first Ben Folds Five album a little less?). Honestly, that episode of Growing Pains where Ben meets that famous rockstar had a tremendous effect on me. As ben would put it, "whether he's a cunt shouldn't affect how much I like his music!"


Why do I think I could get along with Paul Simon? The part at the 2:00 minute mark. Even if we didn't have our depressing pasts to relate about, he's still a very fun guy, pretty nerdy, but unbeatably loveable.

It's been a long time since Graceland came out though. Maybe he's a total asshole now.

Breaking Prince News

Prince is going to fuck a rock.

Finally, after years of planning, wishing, hoping and praying, Prince's desire to fuck a rock will come true this Saturday.

Prince stated, in a small press conference held last week at Paisley Park, that the idea to fuck a ruck came to him in a dream in 1984, while filming a scene that was ultimately cut from the final cut of Purple Rain. "We were filming this love scene under a water fallwith Apollonia, but I couldn't take my eyes off these rocks", Prince disclosed.

Following the release of Purple Rain, Prince met with many top Geologists to discuss the legistics of Prince-on-rock action. "The hardest part was figuring out which rocks would be best to fuck, and which would just be painful", Geologist Randy Meyers says. "We knew Sedimentary rocks would be too jagged. We knew that igneous rocks would be perfect, but were afraid they'd be too young."

Prince insisted that the rock be of age, possibly in response to a previous incident involving an underaged tree. "Literally, this project was two years searching for the perfect rock and 16 waiting for it to turn 18."

The 18 year in the making sex session will finally become a reality this Saturday at Madison Square Garden. Tickets are 60 dollars in advance, and 70 dollars day of. For those unable to attend, Prince's press secretary recently confirmed rumors the event would make its way to DVD. "Though it's not 100% official, I can very confidently say this will definately be available to the public shortly."

Prince has not stated if he plans to marry the rock, or even take it out on a second date. "It all depends" Prince says. "I don't want to rush into a relationship, but I mean if love is in the air...I guess I have to breathe it in."

Dragon Force

Dragon Force was created by the makers of Guitar Hero.

"We need something that's very complicated. Overly complicated maybe even."
"It should be of substance too, right? Like, a really moving piece with tons of emotion?"
"Yea, and maybe some relevent social commentary?"
"Themes too!"
"No, overly complicated is fine."
"They should sound intense. But not too intense that they might scare 8 year olds. Intense enough for like-an 8 year old."
"Yea that sounds good. We'll have R&D invent a band."
"maybe they could have a really awesome name?"
"That's a good idea Joe. Something...awesome."
"What's awesome?"
"Hmm..."
The room was filled with a long silence
"Not fairies. Not unicorns."
"Well what's the opposite of a unicorn?"
"Dragons?"
"I think Dragons are pretty awesome."
"That's good! Dragons!"
"Maybe it could be..two words? The first word is awesome obviously, but what if we added a second word?"
"Two awesome words?"
"no, maybe the second word could be...
"threatening."
"Yea...so on one hand they're awesome..."
"But they're also threatening!"
Another long silence
"Maybe Dragon Attack?"
"Dragon...Kick?"
"Dragon punch?"
"Dragon Knife?"
"Dragon...existence?"
"Dragon Ville?"
"What's threatening about Dragon VIlle?"
"think about it: A whole city of dragons! Scary, right?...I'll leave."
"Dragon, and then something overwhelming. Something strong, some kind of..."
"FORCE!"
"Dragon Force?"
"Yea like, a Force to be reconed with. Of dragons."
"DRAGON FORCE!"
"That sounds perfect! Awesome and threatening all at once!"

And thus the awesome, threatening, shallow and meaningless band Dragon Force was born as we know it, blowing 800 8 year olds minds a day.

Grandma's Tragic Madness

It is with great sadness that this March marks one year since our beloved Grandmother developed dementia in the middle of March Madness. A horribly, hilariously tragic coincidence.

Of all the times of to be diagnosed with a crippling form of madness! January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December...any other month I could deal with my poor grandmother's descent into mental instability. But March! Oh, the coincidence is just too painful, too palatable, too omnipresent, too hilarious, too hard to handle.

In simpler times, March Madness was nothing to me but another sportings event I knew nor cared nothing about. But now! Talk of March Madness once went in one ear and out the other. But now! I can't take it; the two words send me into a state of shock. I am crippled by the hilarity of the coincidence.

Of all the things...of all the times to happen. What could I have possibly done to deserve this? What kind of God would punish a good Christian man like myself? I have gone to church every other Christmas and a couple of Easters my entire life. It just doesn't make sense. Its times like these that make me wonder if there really is a God. What kind of heartless God would torture a poor young man so?

How To Improve Education System

Hotter teachers.

Valentines Day Music Videos

I had planned on asking a potential special someone if they wanted to go see Step Up 2: the Streets on this day of Valentines. It seemed perfect. So far, it hasn't gone so well, but it's still early.

But I still have no hope, so I've decided to compile a bunch of music videos about...they're all sad.





Notice how the pouring rain symbolizes her sadness.



Thanks Circuit City, for leading me to believe this song was about wanting to buy an HD TV. No-it's like, "you know what bitch? You broke my heart, and I needed you. But I'm over you." I can relate to that.






"Don't fuck me over-tell me the truth. Do you love me? No, you don't, do you?"

Dreams

I'm waiting for the day when I can debate which was a better year for music, 2004 or 2005, for at least two hours.

A Brief History of the Civil War

Prior to 1865, slavery was legal in the United States, but only if the slaves were black, and only in designated states.

But in 1861, the South, where most of the designated slave states were located, was growing weary. They weren't satisfied with what they had. They wanted more than just black slaves-asian slaves, white slaves, mexican slaves, animal slaves, sea urchen slaves, etc. They were also growing frustrated with the North's refusal to believe how awesome slavery was, for numerous reasons.

So as most break ups go, the South told the North, in a manner of words, "listen jigga man, I'm tired of you ignoring my needs. If you wanna keep fucking me in the ass, you can just jerk it on your own. I'm out of here."

So the South and the North broke up. The South took being single a little crazy; it drank heavily and traded with multiple partners. The South said it was happy, but deep down inside it really missed the North.

The North was inconsolable. Its close friends-Europe, Germany, Canada-tried its best to cheer it up, but it was no use. In these cold and lonely months, the North realized it needed the South back. They were the perfect pair, and neither could live without the other.

But no matter how much the North pleaded, the South insisted it did not want to get back together. It was clear to the North that if it really wanted the South back, it was going to have to fight for it.

Four bloody years of fighting, blood and casualties followed. The North would ask, "are you ready to get back together?" and The South would say, "not until you're ready to listen to me. And respect me. It's always about what you want. Admit it: you used me for my crops and agriculture. You don't care about me at all."

But finally, the South realized that it truly did need the North, and that while slavery was fine and dandy, it could never fill the gap in its life left by the North. They were truly made for each other.

So the North and the South got back together, on the condition that the South quit slaving. It was going to be hard to adjust to, going cold turkey after a hundred years of slave use, but at least they were together again, young and in love.

News Article

If I owned and operated a newspaper, I would write this article:

"Sports game ends with winner"

Sometimes

I was wasting away in front of a computer one day at school, and by some random chance, ended up watching this Britney Spears music video. 3 minutes and 52 seconds later, I was fighting off tears and watching the "Boys Don't Cry" music video.

It all goes back to third grade. I was going to my friend Spencer's house after school. His ridiculously hot mom picked us up. Now That's What I Call Music Vol. 3 playing on the speakers, Spencer asked his mom to play track 3-"What's My Age Again?". Before that moment, music was completely absent from my life, aside a brief period of time from the ages five to seven where I really liked "Barbara Ann" and a Pointer Sisters song I don't know the name of.I am not ashamed to admit that hearing Mark Hoppus sing "We started making out/and she took off her pants/and then I started watching the TV" restored my faith and interest in music.

I decided I needed to buy this Now cd, because let's face it, That was what I called music! What was probably either the next day or the most iminent weekend, my dad bought it for me at the Sam Goody in the mall-the same Sam Goody where one year later an employee would recomend my mom not to buy Eminem's the Marshall Matters LP due to its explicit and homophobic lyrics.

Within days, Now! Vol. 3 had opened me up to a world they called Music. I suddenly felt like I was pretty educated on what was cool at the times. While most of my chums were talking to their parents on the drive home, I busied myself memorizing the words to Limp Bizkit's "Nookie", digging through the dense sonic landscape of Smash Mouth's "All Star", and putting my brain to the grind trying to understand the biting social commentary of Enrique Iglesias's "Bailamos".

However, there was one song in particular that completely swept me off my feet-"Sometimes". One year later, this song completely captured how I felt about Natalie Ahmadi, the most beautiful girl in my whole fourth grade class. While I found myself unstoppably in love with Natalie, I couldn't help but feel frightened by her. The thought of talking to her seemed heavenly, but when confronted with her in reality I wanted to anywhere else. Just like Britney, sometimes I ran, sometimes I hid, sometimes I was scared of her, but all i really wanted was to hold her tight, treat her right, be with her day and night. All I needed was time, baby. Britney captured everything I was going through in 4th grade.

But the more I listened to "Sometimes", the more I fell for someone else: Britney Spears. We would be perfect together! We were both afraid of commitment, but also, we both had a ton of love to give. She seemed to understand me, and I understood her. I bought her album, and a poster for my room. But not to beat off to, but like how guys in World War II hang pictures of their girlfriend above their wall, as a reason to keep fighting.

When I was younger, I made a pledge to myself that the first woman I saw naked, I would marry (I decided not to count a flier of a hooker I saw on the ground outside the Game Works in Las Vegas in 4th grade or those random times I accidentally walking in on my mom changing). After stumbling across a game on eBaulms World, Dress Britney Spears, I realized something: "I have to marry Britney Spears". I then thought, "My godmother (a nun) would be ashamed of me."

Time passed. Mainly through the show Friends, I learned many adults see many other adults naked before they get married. But as I matured, I couldn't help but notice a change in Britney. As the years rolled on by, it seemed like lost interest in wearing clothes. Every time I saw her, she was naked or making out with Madonna.

It was just her image that had changed either. The innocent girl that was sang about having unbearable crushes and being in love was gone. Now, she just wanted to fuck. She wanted to be a guy's slave, and she wanted him to hit her too.

By this point, I had moved on from Britney. I had a girlfriend named Chelsea. I was in a good place.

But years later, watching the "Sometimes" music video, with Britney's current day to day problems, I can't help but feel sorry for my ex-girlfriend. This video made me realize that the sweet girl I fell in love with and connected with like no other human being has died, and a coked-up sex whore has stollen her identity.

Fuck You Fate.

1 Reason Sweden might be Better than America

So Robyn is like the Brittney Spears (circa 2000) of Sweden, or some European country. But she's a lot more awesome than Brittney Spears. Now, I may have just failed a Statistics test, and I have gotten the lowest grade in my school on the Statistics exam (even worse than the tolken slut and a guy named Park). These things are true. However, I still feel qualified to make this statement:

Robyn=Brittney Spears x 10 + good songs+attitude+an ear for sweet electronic beats+a very strange haircut that borders on dyke -obvious drug abuse -a Louisiana accent -breast implants +collaborations with Snoop D O double Gizzle

It appears that she is 30 years old. I don't know much about her, her career, her social philosophies. All I know is what I've heard is super awesome.

The problem is, living in America prevents me from jumping into the aural pool of sexy love, aka listening to her albums. According to wikipedia, Robyn has released four albums of sonic gold that could be potentially weaving in my ears. But as of yet, only one EP has been released in America.

There is only one logical solution: The U.S. must annexate Sweden. It may be far, but if Puerto Rico is close enough to potentially become a state, why not Sweden? Sure, it's really big, and they probably wouldn't want to join us for political reasons. But I'm sure they'd understand once we explained to them how badly we want Robyn cd's in our record stores at reasonable, non import prices. I'm sure Prime Minister Olof Palme, an unofficially official Robyn fan, would understand our desire. Plus, we're the United States! We have more nukes than Jesus Christ on a B-Ball court.

When Gustav Vasa laid on his deathbed, after a lifetime spent unifying Sweden in the 16th Century, the last thing he said to his son was, "you must ensure that Sweden is a nation of love and beauty, and does its best to spread that love across the world". Did Gustav Vasa unify Sweden in the 16th Century in vain?

Marcus Rubio-A Poem

Marcus Rubio,
greatest guy I know,
lives in san antonio
plays the violin
browses record bins
Likes Kafka, Ginsberg
Murakami too!
Has a love for life
Got into Trinity
Has made three albums
hard at work on the fourth
Kisses girls, breaks hearts

A friend of mine for
almost seven years
we were in a band
Applesauce Brothers
He is really kind
Funny, smart and cool

If you be a lady
And you also live in San Antonio
Go to one of his
shows. Be his groupie
for if you do not
you are missing out
On what could have been
The best, best thing ever

Frankenstein Sparknotes

I recently read a book for my English 4 AP I literally could not put down. Though I was only supposed to read the first four chapters, I found myself so compelled by the writing I had to finish it in one night, a decision I actually did not regret the next morning, groggy as I was.

The book in question is the Frankenstein Sparknotes.

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, which the Frankenstein Sparknotes are based on, is a very dull, uninteresting novel that has not stood the test of time. I tried reading it a couple times, and fell asleep every time. So going into the Frankenstein Sparknotes, I had pretty low expectations.

Needless to say, I was proven wrong. The fact that the Sparknotes writers could make a lively, entertaining novel out of a story Mary Shelley was able to make nothing but boring, flacid and weak proves that it is not the story that matters, but the storyteller.

More so, unlike (most likely a) pothead Mary Shelley, the Sparknotes writers don't consider themselves holier than thou. Where Mary Shelley considered herself to good to explain herself, the Sparknotes writers offer a well written explanation of every chapter, explain such tricky and complicated matters as themes, motifs, and symbols. They actually care about their readers, and want them to understand the story on a deeper level.

I just wish she was alive to read the Sparknotes, just to say "I see where I went wrong".

For these reasons, I urge you to read the Frankenstein Sparknotes-NOT Arrogant, untalented crack whore Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

Lil Wayne

I just don't understand Lil Wayne. And lord, do I want to.

But when I listen to Da Drought 3, I just think, "I guess it's..." (sigh)

Some day. Some day.