Things I like

-George Saunders
-Zadie Smith
-Jacob King (friend)
-the Larry Sanders Show
-Ricky Gervais

Update 2

Still alive.

Update

Still alive.
Sorry readers.
Got all...moody.

facebook

My facebook got deleted! All because of a few rim job pictures I posted!

the Late Bus!!!!

The Late Bus! I wrote this!


and then there's part 2! I mean, it's one part overall, but I had to break it up to fit on Youtube.

Speed Eating

INT. OLIVE GARDEN-NIGHT
BRAD and ANGELA are sitting at a table for two.
ANGELA
I feel like I haven’t been to an Olive Garden in forever.
BRAD
I’m sorry, do you want to go somewhere else?
ANGELA
Oh no! It’s fine! I love this place.
A waiter places bread sticks on the table.
BRAD
So what do you do for a living?
ANGELA
I’m a copywriter actually.
BRAD starts eating all of the bread sticks at an awkwardly fast rate. He talks while eating.
BRAD
Oh my god, I’m sorry, this is so weird, but I was just having a conversation with one of my best friends the other day about how neither of us actually know what a copywriter does. I hear it all the time but, I never actually sat down and learned what it meant.
ANGELA
Umm...wel it’s like, writing commercials, and slogans. Umm...what do you do Brad?
BRAD
Oh, I’m a competitive speed eater.
ANGELA
Oh. Oh. So, is that why?
BRAD
No, I’m just really hungry. Kidding! I have a really big competition on Sunday. I’m not grossing you out, am I?
ANGELA
Oh, no not at all!
BRAD
So where are you from?
ANGELA
West Virginia.
BRAD
Oh my gosh no way!
ANGELA
Oh, are you from there?
BRAD
Well, sort of.
A man at the table near Brad leaves. Brad walks over to his table and eats his food while talking.
BRAD (CONT’D)
I lived there for three years actually, from 5th grade until seventh grade. But I visit the area, a lot of my friends from college actually ended up coming from the high school I would have gone to had I stayed there.
ANGELA
Oh, wow.
A WAITER approaches.
WAITER
Good evening mam, how can I...Brad!? Brad! How are you!
BRAD
Hey Charlie, I’m doing great. How’s your theatre group doing?
WAITER
Doing great. Are you here on business tonight, or pleasure?
BRAD
Oh uh, a little of both I guess.
WAITER
Well great! So the usual?
BRAD
That’d be great, just easy on the caneloni, if you will. Don’t want to load too many carbs.
WAITER
Totally.
The Waiter leaves.
ANGELA
Do you come here, often?
BRAD
Yeah, I sort of train here. So have you heard about this whole Jenny McCarthy thing? Is that nuts or what?
ANGELA
Oh, yeah. Really bizarre stuff.
At least twenty plates are placed in front of Brad. Brad starts eating.
BRAD
I mean, I understand where she’s coming from, but come on lady! She’s only doing more harm than good, and it’s really, really serious harm at that. I mean, what’s worse, a child with autism or a dead child? In a way it’s like she’s saying autism is some horrible thing. And I mean, I know I wouldn’t wish autism on my child or anything, but still I’d love it no less if my child had autism. I guess that’s what really bugs me the most you know, just like, this whole...I don’t know, it’s total bullshit. Really pisses me off. I read this article too about Oprah in Newsweek, really interesting piece. Kind of talked about how she blindly supports these bullshit theories that actually end up hurting people. Do you like Oprah?
ANGELA
She’s...I don’t really watch Oprah.
BRAD
Oh. Neither do I really.
KOBIYASHI enters.
KOBIYASHI
Well if it isn’t Bradley Kuperstein.
BRAD
Kobiyashi. Funny seeing you here.
KOBIYASHI
You on a date?
BRAD
Yeah, I am actually. What of it?
KOBIYASHI
Oh nothing. Just if I were, I don’t know, going up against the best in the biz on Sunday, I might try to practice a little bit, not galivant around gettin my D wet.
BRAD
Okay first of all you are not the best in the biz, we are equally ranked, and second...
KOBIYASHI
you are.
BRAD
I’m sorry?
KOBIYASHI
You are second. Second place. In terms of competitive eating.
BRAD
Not here Kobi. Not here, not now.
KOBIYASHI
If not here, then where? When? Sunday?
BRAD
Hey Kobi.
KOBIYASHI
Yeah?
BRAD
Duck.
KOBIYASHI
No, that’s ravioli.
BRAD
No. Duck.
Brad throws wine in Kobiyashi’s face. He starts eating ravioli at a momentous pace. Kobiyashi joins in.

down the pike

A few things to look for down the pike:
-"the Royal Scam", my last project for Sound Image.
-"the Late Bus", my 18 minute epic. In a way it's my "Heavens Gate", I was given total freedom and went a little overboard. Only instead of insane critical backlash that ruined my career, my group just got a B instead of an A for going over the time limit, and our project is actually good.
-A long detailed description of the most embarrassing night of my life that turned into one of the purest, honest nights of human interaction.

yups

I wish I were a 30 year old yuppie living in Park Slope sometimes.

FML!

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!

There's a floor meeting. While I'm trying to write an essay. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!

On a side note, I wonder if a woman who is illegally living in the united states and working three jobs to raise her six children has ever uttered the phrase "FML", or a man on death row for a crime he didn't commit, or a woman who was raped by her father and has never been able to trust men.

Take Me Out Tonight

I slept so long yesterday, it was surreal.

And then I woke up and found out my brother had been in a car accident. Luckily he is fine. Our friend Marissa was in the car, and she had to go to the emergency room though. She's fine now though. The car is destroyed though. It's such an old car it's not worth fixing is the thing that it is.

Do you ever just take a second to look back and feel glad you no longer have to do timed writings on Oedipus Rex or Pride and Prejudice? It's nice.

I made a joke on twitter that people are liking, that feels good. It's topical. So that's good. It was, "Damn girl, I better step away before you give me FINE flu!"

Monday is a terrible day to be horny. Is horniness at all related to lack of sleep? Seriously! Let's figure that out!

Well since I just woke it's time I get my day started.

AFI

I should watch all of AFI's 100 best comedies.

Sam I Miami

So it is late!

It was hot today! SO HOT! GOD! I couldn't sleep it was so hot.

I went to the Met today. That was a lot of fun. Fuck I am distracted right now, maybe two red bulls was not a good idea. Granted I am awake, but I don't feel as focused as Red Bull promised I would be.

I am in dire need of some closure. Seriously! Also, I am in dire need of certain people to stop creating conflict for everyone I know. It's like come on! Just don't! Ya know? Granted maybe this stems out of their need for closure.

Yeah, this definitely feels like the seventh inning stretch.

I guess my biggest gripe with going home for the summer is that I feel like I've grown and changed so much, and going back would just go against all of that. I want to be here, I want to take Shannon O Neill's 301, I want to go to summer ASSSSCATs and harold nights. But on the other hand it is pretty fucking hot, and I am seriously missing In N out burger, not to mention my family.

Actually, the more I think about it, long distances relationships are not that hard. But being long distances from the food you love? You can't call a hamburger on the phone. You can look at pictures of it, but that isn't satisfying. No, real relationships are more than about looking at someone.

So in my world, eating food=talking with loved one, looking at pictures of food=masturbating.

There's a chance I might be able to get one of the members of Steely Dan in my final Sound Image project. That is if my teacher actually does know them, and if I ask her. I probably won't. But I might.

In other news, I like a girl! She is the greatest. I met her the first week of this semester and was instantly blown away. But I was convinced nothing could happen, she just seemed to great. Finally with a week and a half of school left we've started kind of hanging out. Shitty timing on my part, but as long as it happened! I'm actually not sure where it's going. I know where I want it to go though!

Kanye's right, you gotta keep your love lockdown.

BASS!

hey dolphins!

What's happening!

Man, this is going to be a strange weekend! Hopefully great though!

I have to go to two museums! And then I also want to go see a lot of improv. I'm going to Gethard's Magic Box of Stories tonight, maybe the Stepfathers right after that, the Room at the Cinema East Village at midnight. Then I'll be up in the cloisters on Saturday, then hopefully seeing Reuben Williams at night.

The damn powers that be took down my Crazy on You video. Sadly I don't have any way to put it back up! The file was on my school computer a year ago. There is no way in hell it's still there. To cope, I plan to reshoot it. I'm going to go all out for this one! There will be some nice costumes, let's just say. I just need a DP. Or do I? I shot the last one without a DP. Hmm......I guess I'll have to get a tripod!

Reviews

I'm going to start reviewing movies on here.

Broken Glass

I really need to make 3 Chearleaders. OR wait no, it was 3 guys who think they are girls in a 70's Porno. I'll cast Doug Widdick and Bowen Yang and myself. Comedy sparks will fly. So many sparks people will be like "what are all these sparks doing around here? Jason Statham must have needed to charge his heart!"

Jay Reatard-Night of Broken Glass

I've been really into Steve Martin lately. Ever since Spring Break when I bought comedy isn't pretty, I just can't handle how much of a genius he is. I just watched Bowfinger-it's incredible!!! And LA Story should be coming in the mail tomorrow via Netflix. That is if they don't screw me over! I was supposed to get it a week ago, but it never came. I had to report a shipping problem. I thought I was jumping the gun, but since it still hasn't arrived I was so money. So money. SO MONEY!!! MONEY!!!!

Tomorrow I have another interview for the internship I really want.

I need to end this year on a positive romantic note. But can something wonderful and meaningful happen in two weeks? Or am I crazy? Should I wait until next year? What if I like someone who lives in a city that's pretty close to New York, where I might be staying over the summer? She'd be reasonably close, right? It wouldn't be that weird, right?

I do like someone right now. She rules! It took me a whole semester to do something about, mostly out of fear. I really have grown a lot this year. I mean, to grow you have to hit rock bottom. You have to do those reprehensible things. Well, I guess you don't have to do them. I won't tell my kids, "make sure you drink heavily one night and make out with your good friends ex-girlfriend so you feel really bad about it and only do it once." But it happens. If there's one thing I've learned from Wenders films, people do terrible things. Everyone does. They just do. But the great people don't seak to redeem themselves, they seek to right the things they have wrong. They reunite the families they broke up; they return the drug money; the father the son who they never knew.

It's also really crazy to me that I did a fucking improv show at the Players Theatre. I mean, everyone who takes a UCB class gets a class show at UCB. And I am incredibly proud of my UCB 101 show! But the fact that I did something independently is almost even more empowering.

But yeah, I need to end on a good romantic note.

Parallax and Garugamesh

Hey Dolphins!

Today I bring you two videos. The first is of my own creation.



This second video I bring you is the video I can't get out of my head. Seriously, this thing has done a great deal of healing today. I went through the worst experience today, and this, in addition to talking with my best friends, is the only reason I didn't buy a dildo and throw it in the Hudson River/smoke a cigarette for the first time.

I don't know why I considered buying a dildo and throwing it in the Hudson River. It was the first crazy thing I thought of. Jake suggested walking to China town or smoking for the first time.

Well to save time I didn't buy a dildo, and I didn't walk to Chinatown or the Hudson River. I watched this video.

Bowfinger rules!

I had no idea people still read this blog.

Will I ever learn to be careful with online journals? No.

Remember Livejournal? Wait no, this goes even beyond that. Remember journal space? Well I'll never forget the time that I found out my friend Bucky Brooks had made a journal space, and every entry was about how much he hated me for breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. This was in 8th grade. It was pretty intense, but also really funny because so much time had passed. The posts were at least a year old by the time I finally read them, and yet I thought Bucky and I were totally fine the entire time.

And then at the end of 9th grade I wrote a livejournal entry about not liking Liam Neisen's performance in Batman Begins. That launched into a huge debate too.

And then a couple of days ago, Chris Gethard was mocked on morrissey-solo.com for his tattoo. So I launched in to defend him. Sure enough, I was called lame and implied to be a loser.

I guess I worry that as the world becomes increasingly more internet driven, we will find ourselves in more and more arguments. Is that was this thing is for, fighting? If someone says they dislike Wes Anderson in a dining hall, and you love Wes Anderson, chances are you are going to politely disagree. And yet when this conversation takes place over the internet it becomes long and vicious. Granted, part of this has to due with the ability to be anonymous on the internet. We can post anonymously on message boards.

We all have things that infuriate us about others, and the internet allows us to express that.

So You're Thinking About Burrying Your Bone in a Girl's Front Yard

A friend of mine recently asked me I could be so good with woman. This entry is for him:

The first step of getting a girl to like is easily the simplest: make her think you're afraid of her. I'm not talking about "afraid you're in love" or "afraid of your feelings". I'm talking legitimate fear. Trust you me, you will never get any girl in your bed if she doesn't think you shit your pants every time you see her. If you look at her, and she doesn't think, "wow, this reminds me of what I would look like if I talked to a vampire", find a bridge and live under it.

Unfortunately that's all the advice I have time for today! But stay tuned!

Rake the Muck!

Rake the Muck!

Happy Passover, Jake!

My roommate went home for Passover today, and I can't lie, I miss him.

So in honor of him, I decided to take a shit on his bed.

Funny Hat of the Week

In honor of my mom, I'm going to start posting a funny hat of the week. Each week, I will be showcasing a new funny hat I find on the streets of New York.

The first funny hat was a gift from my mom. This funny hat is perfect for a visit to Scotland, a visit to the home of Scottish friends, a dinner at a Scottish restaurant, a Halloween party, a Scottish party, or even just a day with Scottish overtones.

The hat is funny because it implies the person wearing the hat has long red hair, and is Scottish. To heighten the comedic effect, it is best worn by a person who is neither Scottish or red headed (though a red headed Scottish person could wear this hat for the sake of ironic laughter).

FINAL VERDICT: this is a really funny hat that will definitely bring a few laughs to anyone you meet.

Common Fetish-Doting Balerina Cock in hand

Man, all my friends are blogging now! And thus telling me I don't blog enough.

I am feeling good. It's nice to be sleeping in a bed again. SXSW was insanely weird, so much going on. It was incredibly taxing, but also super fun.

I've been having a lot of erotic dreams lately. I also had a dream my friends went to Blue Hill Burgers without telling me, but I found out because I also went there alone at the same time.

Steve Martin's Comedy Ain't Pretty is my new favorite stand-up album. Pure genius. Did he invent alternative comedy? Demetri Martin is pretty similar to Steve Martin in all fairness. My big problem with stand up is how much of it sucks. I hate hearing jewish guys who masturbate everyday whine. Go fuck yourself!

What a day!

Well today turned around.

I woke up feeling like CRAP. It was like I was going to vomit. Then my teacher wasn't in class, so the TA's taught History of Western Art. And they were great! A lot better than our professor! It was loose but informative. A lot, lot, lot of fun. Also, one of the TAs was better than our professor I'd even argue! Plus, I used my laptop to take notes. It was such a good idea! I am way more prepared now!

And then, holy shit. I discovered this:

http://www.egotastic.com/entertainment/celebrities/michelle-williams/michelle-williams-topless-video-from-incendiary-004438

This is one of the best out of context celebrity nude scenes from a movie I've ever seen for two reasons:
1) it is erotic as fuck
2) the ending.

What the hell happens at the end? What is on the TV? Did Michelle Williams previously mentioned husband and son die? WHAT HAPPENED! I almost want to buy this shitty movie just to find out. But really just to see if there are more sex scenes.

This video also confirms a growing suspicion of mine that Ewan McGregor will be in anything, no matter how awful, so long as he gets an anal sex scene.

And then...the new Grizzly Bear album leaked!

March!

Am I the only one frightened by the arrival of March? It came so fast. Frightening.

Well my life has been going amazingly well lately. I just feel incredible.

I got an interview with College Humor to be a summer intern! I just have to send in a resume! It's a bit of a ways off, but still very exciting, considering working for College Humor combines everything I love: comedy, film, sketches, and partying really hard on weekends.

I was really emotional last night for some odd reason. The lesson to be learned? Don't sing "Summer Of 69" at a Kareoke party. Well, if you have to sing it, don't go off on this tangent:

"Summer of 69 guys. Does he really care about the fact that his band broke up? Not really. That doesn't really matter in the end. But that girl? She's the only thing that really matters to him. The biggest mistake he ever made was breaking up with her! Don't give up on the one you love guys."

It will get a laugh, but then it will fill everyone with fear and hope and sadness and love-aching.

Thursday also kind of sucked because I wanted it to be much more epic than a normal Thursday night can be. Now I have no problems with having a chill night. But when I expect awesomeness it can be hard to just stay inside. Ahh well.

Back on Wednesday...Man Wednesday was a great night. Daniel and I got out of Storytelling Strategies very early. Early enough to go to Nights of Our LIves. So we did! It was great. I really like Daniel. I got down on him last semester, but he really is an amazing dude. He's a great guy to just talk with about your feelings, because he's really in-tuned with his. He's observational. I can't really get into it, but we talked about a pair of friends of ours, and it really illuminated a lot about them that I had not realized, which in turn got me to think about what a relationship is, and what it should be.

After this chat, we went to the show. It was a wonderful Nights of Our Lives. Anthony Atamanuik's story was so demented and wonderful, and Joe Mande's story was brilliant, but I think it was Gethard's story that stuck with me the most. While I don't think it was his funniest story, the ending of it really affected me. He started it off talking about how after his book was published he got really depressed for a while, and then started taking Brazillian Jujitsu classes. He entered this tournament, and was crushed by another dude, ending with his elbow being pulled out of socket. And then, that guy who destroyed him was choked out in 30 seconds by a 15 year old. The thing that really hit me was he summed it up by basically saying, "I think the thing I learned about myself is...even if I'm struggling and getting my ass kicked, even if I'm losing, I'm not depressed. It's only when the fight is over that I'm out of it." It's one of those things that's hard to explain, but I get it. And yea, even if you're losing at battle, at least you're still fighting.

Women are like Colleges

Women are like colleges.

I did not watch the Oscars. Instead I decided to have fun.

But when I got back from doing things that are enjoyable, I noticed that the Oscars were about the only thing anyone twitted about while I was away (being happy). As a result, I realized I not only had a much better time than everyone who watched the Oscars, but I now also know everything there is worth remembering about the Oscars via twitter. Such as:
1. Its bullshit Sean Penn won
2. Sophia Lauren was there
3. Beyonce was associated with something boring
4. Adrien Brody did something very cunt-y

This note could have been a lot shorter and gotten the same message across if I just said "if you watched the Oscars fuck you."

left nostril

I am a little sore and not hungover. Awesome!

What a night. Well, not a night like Friday was a whata night. But an odd little chestnut of a night no less. I think it's just time to stay away from 3rd North for a while. Shit just gets too...it's a weird place. I don't want to become too much of a personality there, too known. Hayden, I like being at Hayden. I love being a Hayden personality. It's not that hard actually, at least for me. All you have to do is befriend the other Hayden personalities, and then they decide you are something (in my case the funny guy who likes improv and 40's), and then you get to be cool with Ricky.

I wish I could go to Shake Shack before class today. Shake Shack and then Improv and then ASSSSCAT?

I realized the other day that I haven't gone to the Shack since I got here. I also realized that I don't go to UCB shows to "make myself feel better" lately, I just go because I want to see them. I feel like that is the fundamental difference between these semesters. Last semester I was doing a lot to make myself happy, this time I'm just living. Last one, I'd go see Rueben Williams because I needed to, this time I just really want to. Conclusion: I was not all together last semester.

Well I went over the allotted time I gave myself to blog today. Now I'll never have time to go to Shake Shack before improv! GRRRR!!!

"Hipster" vs "Punk"

Well Hipster is obviously the new Emo, which was the new Goth, which was the new Punk. But what's interesting to me about this new era is the strong denial of being. Punks in 77 didn't walk around with spiked hair saying "i'm not a punk". But hipsters strongly deny being a hipster. There is no pride. Why can't we change this?

Desert Island Discs in an iPod World

I was writing a list of the ten records I would take on a desert island for a sound class just now. But as often happens during events that inspire essays, I started thinking. What is the point of a desert island list in an iPod world?

It's essentially unpractical. Odds are that if you land on a desert island, you were in a plane that crashed. And the odds are even higher that if you were on a plane, you had your ipod with you.

I guess a more relevant question would be, "if you just got a brand new ipod, and you don't have any music backed up on your computer, and you were going to go on a flight across the country, and you had a sneaking suspicion that your plane was going to crash and you would be stuck on a desert island, what would be the first ten albums you load onto your computer?"

Weird WEEK!

I was sick all week basically. It sucked balls.

BALLS I TELL YA!

I slept like...a lot.

Yippee Yo? Yipee yay

Today was a good day with weird moments, but the day is done and I look back at it positively.

Ate a sandwich at Rubin, then talked to my dad about how it's bullshit that they don't start serving lunchy things (other than sandwiches) at NYU dorms on Sundays until 3-ish. He told me one day I'd like breakfast, and then I had this idea for a sketch about a guy who is okay with working for a big corporation and having kids, but promises he will never become "one of those guys who likes breakfast."

I love talking to my dad on the phone. He is always really enthusiastic, and puts me in a good mood. Except for one time I got a text from him that said "my house is empty and my thoughts are dark." I called him to see how he was doing. He then texted me later that day, "you know what I like about you? You're truly genuine. It keeps me going on dark days like this."

that was an odd tangent, but my dad is great! I really love him.

Improv class was great today! I really like my teacher, Jeff Hiller. He is amazing, really funny, really helpful, really nice. I really love doing improv.

I've been feeling great lately; however, tonight I have a very strong feeling that a shit storm is going to ensue, within the next 4 months, probably around April. What type of shit storm? A shit storm of the romantic triangle breed. I can't exactly say who will be involved. I am not even sure if I will be a prominent figure or just a supporting character. But something will go down. I can feel it.

Speaking of things I'm predicting, I would like to announce my plans to make out with Katie Sullivan. Katie lives in Hayden. A close friend of mine (Zoe) called Katie the "most beautiful girl in Hayden", the "female Skye". Zoe made it seem like it would be impossible. I disagree. To prove this to her (but mostly...i dont know), I shall attempt to make out with her.

Chelsea peretti

I think I want to marry someone like Chelsea Peretti. She seems awesome.

Valentines day was a horrifying day. Looking back, it took forever, had a lot of horrifying moments, and was just generally awkward.

Things have been kind of crazy lately. I feel like I've become a totally different dude, and by that I mean I am a confident dude that can "get with the ladies". Being friends with Zoe and Skye was probably one of the best decisions ever.

pictures

I should put some pictures here.

I kinda wanna switch to tumblr.

This Blog is awesome

I under treat you Dolphin Habitat. My notes are just so much more noticed, but I still love you.

I think this is gonna be a diary now. Or just a "document of awesome shit that happened.

New York is the best place

I heart New York so much right now.

Gethard Tour

I'm organizing a tour of New Jersey with Chris Gethard! A personal journey through West Orange with the town's proudest son

3 Cheerleaders

NEw Idea:
the captain of the football team is traded to another team. Three unattractive girls who think they're living in a 70's porno decide to win him back the only way they think they can: with their sexuality.

The girls will be played by me and two other dudes. Or a girl friend of mine with fake teeth.

Cheap Trick "Voices"

It's funny, but listening to this song reminds me how absent romance and love is from my life. I listen to it and feel a way I haven't felt since November, 2007. Once December came this feeling of love had turned into sad longing for someone unavailable. Then I was really sad for a while, then I was just really detached.

God I love Cheap Trick.

Extras/Entourage mashup

I want to make a pilot or webseries or something that combines Extras and Entourage. It would be like, a Vinnie Chase guy who is an extra and really takes being an extra seriously, and he has to decide between being an extra in a Disney movie or Shutter Island. It's like Extras in that the main dude is an extra, but it's like Entourage in that he takes himelf very seriously.

Quizno's Sub SWAT Team

I have this idea for a video sketch where Quizno's hires a SWAT team to break into people's house and feed them subs.

GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR

Also, this is the first sketch I wrote after deciding to write a sketch a day. Again, written in a day, pretty rough, acne.

GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY

Pre-schoolers stand around a classroom stretching. GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR enters.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
OKAY YA’LL ITS TIME TO DO SOME AEROBICS. LET’S DO IT.
He leads them in aerobic work outs, throwing in positive reinforcements.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
THAT’S FUCKIN GREAT YA’LL, KEEP DOIN THAT WHILE I CHECK MY MAIL.
He checks his mail, slowly.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
OH NO YA’LL I GOT CANCER.
(Blackout).

Bermuda Triangle

I decided to write a sketch a day from now on, at least until February 19th.

This is a sketch I just finished, and by just finished I mean wrote a first draft of it. Love it like a child with bad acne, who could one day clear up and go on a date with a girl to a terrible Rob Schneider movie.

PAUL carries LISA into a bedroom.
PAUL
Well Mrs. Kamin, here we are.
LISA
Why thank you, Mr. Kamin.
PAUL
Time to get our freak on!
LISA
(laughs) oh you’re so funny! You when I was a little girl I never thought I would be spending my honeymoon in the Bermuda Triangle, but…here we are!
PAUL
Can you believe it! (beat) say honey, since we’re in the Bermuda…TRIANGLE, and all…maybe we should have a THREEway!
LISA
(beat) Oh you are nothing but a houndog!
PAUL
Woof woof!
LISA
Oh you are nasty!
PAUL
I’ll tell you what’s not nasty, A Bermuda Sex Triangle!
LISA
Well should we go check out the cruise’s buffet?
PAUL
Only if by buffet you mean hot tail for our Bermuda Sex Triangle?
LISA
Paul are you trying to get me to agree to a threeway?
PAUL
No! Not a threeway. A Bermuda Sex Triangle. You know, because…we’re in the Bermuda Triangle.
LISA
Paul why in the world would I want to spend my Honeymoon in a threeway…
PAUL
Bermuda Sex Triangle…
LISA
Bermuda Sex Triangle with you and some tramp we met on a cruise?
PAUL
Lisa, Lisa, I would never…huh, you know what I just realized that’s really funny?
LISA
What?
PAUL
Well I said Lisa, comma, Lisa, but it sounded like Lisa Lisa, lead vocalist of Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam, one of the original American freestyle music groups of the 1980’s, who oddly enough…consisted of 3 people! How odd is it that I should coincidentally mention one of the most important groups of the 1980s, which consisted of THREE members, while on vacation with my beautiful wife in the Bermuda TRIANGLE. (Beat) There are three sides to a triangle.
LISA
Oh my god I can’t believe you! Are you
PAUL
Okay. Great. (Pause) Look honey there’s something else I need to tell you…
LISA
let me just put my suitcase in the closet.
PAUL
Wait what? Oh no let me-
LISA opens the closet. A DEAD HOOKER falls out.
LISA
when were you going to tell me this?
PAUL
I was waiting for you to say “if only hookers weren’t so hard to strangle.”