-George Saunders
-Zadie Smith
-Jacob King (friend)
-the Larry Sanders Show
-Ricky Gervais
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
the Late Bus!!!!
The Late Bus! I wrote this!
and then there's part 2! I mean, it's one part overall, but I had to break it up to fit on Youtube.
and then there's part 2! I mean, it's one part overall, but I had to break it up to fit on Youtube.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Speed Eating
INT. OLIVE GARDEN-NIGHT
BRAD and ANGELA are sitting at a table for two.
ANGELA
I feel like I haven’t been to an Olive Garden in forever.
BRAD
I’m sorry, do you want to go somewhere else?
ANGELA
Oh no! It’s fine! I love this place.
A waiter places bread sticks on the table.
BRAD
So what do you do for a living?
ANGELA
I’m a copywriter actually.
BRAD starts eating all of the bread sticks at an awkwardly fast rate. He talks while eating.
BRAD
Oh my god, I’m sorry, this is so weird, but I was just having a conversation with one of my best friends the other day about how neither of us actually know what a copywriter does. I hear it all the time but, I never actually sat down and learned what it meant.
ANGELA
Umm...wel it’s like, writing commercials, and slogans. Umm...what do you do Brad?
BRAD
Oh, I’m a competitive speed eater.
ANGELA
Oh. Oh. So, is that why?
BRAD
No, I’m just really hungry. Kidding! I have a really big competition on Sunday. I’m not grossing you out, am I?
ANGELA
Oh, no not at all!
BRAD
So where are you from?
ANGELA
West Virginia.
BRAD
Oh my gosh no way!
ANGELA
Oh, are you from there?
BRAD
Well, sort of.
A man at the table near Brad leaves. Brad walks over to his table and eats his food while talking.
BRAD (CONT’D)
I lived there for three years actually, from 5th grade until seventh grade. But I visit the area, a lot of my friends from college actually ended up coming from the high school I would have gone to had I stayed there.
ANGELA
Oh, wow.
A WAITER approaches.
WAITER
Good evening mam, how can I...Brad!? Brad! How are you!
BRAD
Hey Charlie, I’m doing great. How’s your theatre group doing?
WAITER
Doing great. Are you here on business tonight, or pleasure?
BRAD
Oh uh, a little of both I guess.
WAITER
Well great! So the usual?
BRAD
That’d be great, just easy on the caneloni, if you will. Don’t want to load too many carbs.
WAITER
Totally.
The Waiter leaves.
ANGELA
Do you come here, often?
BRAD
Yeah, I sort of train here. So have you heard about this whole Jenny McCarthy thing? Is that nuts or what?
ANGELA
Oh, yeah. Really bizarre stuff.
At least twenty plates are placed in front of Brad. Brad starts eating.
BRAD
I mean, I understand where she’s coming from, but come on lady! She’s only doing more harm than good, and it’s really, really serious harm at that. I mean, what’s worse, a child with autism or a dead child? In a way it’s like she’s saying autism is some horrible thing. And I mean, I know I wouldn’t wish autism on my child or anything, but still I’d love it no less if my child had autism. I guess that’s what really bugs me the most you know, just like, this whole...I don’t know, it’s total bullshit. Really pisses me off. I read this article too about Oprah in Newsweek, really interesting piece. Kind of talked about how she blindly supports these bullshit theories that actually end up hurting people. Do you like Oprah?
ANGELA
She’s...I don’t really watch Oprah.
BRAD
Oh. Neither do I really.
KOBIYASHI enters.
KOBIYASHI
Well if it isn’t Bradley Kuperstein.
BRAD
Kobiyashi. Funny seeing you here.
KOBIYASHI
You on a date?
BRAD
Yeah, I am actually. What of it?
KOBIYASHI
Oh nothing. Just if I were, I don’t know, going up against the best in the biz on Sunday, I might try to practice a little bit, not galivant around gettin my D wet.
BRAD
Okay first of all you are not the best in the biz, we are equally ranked, and second...
KOBIYASHI
you are.
BRAD
I’m sorry?
KOBIYASHI
You are second. Second place. In terms of competitive eating.
BRAD
Not here Kobi. Not here, not now.
KOBIYASHI
If not here, then where? When? Sunday?
BRAD
Hey Kobi.
KOBIYASHI
Yeah?
BRAD
Duck.
KOBIYASHI
No, that’s ravioli.
BRAD
No. Duck.
Brad throws wine in Kobiyashi’s face. He starts eating ravioli at a momentous pace. Kobiyashi joins in.
BRAD and ANGELA are sitting at a table for two.
ANGELA
I feel like I haven’t been to an Olive Garden in forever.
BRAD
I’m sorry, do you want to go somewhere else?
ANGELA
Oh no! It’s fine! I love this place.
A waiter places bread sticks on the table.
BRAD
So what do you do for a living?
ANGELA
I’m a copywriter actually.
BRAD starts eating all of the bread sticks at an awkwardly fast rate. He talks while eating.
BRAD
Oh my god, I’m sorry, this is so weird, but I was just having a conversation with one of my best friends the other day about how neither of us actually know what a copywriter does. I hear it all the time but, I never actually sat down and learned what it meant.
ANGELA
Umm...wel it’s like, writing commercials, and slogans. Umm...what do you do Brad?
BRAD
Oh, I’m a competitive speed eater.
ANGELA
Oh. Oh. So, is that why?
BRAD
No, I’m just really hungry. Kidding! I have a really big competition on Sunday. I’m not grossing you out, am I?
ANGELA
Oh, no not at all!
BRAD
So where are you from?
ANGELA
West Virginia.
BRAD
Oh my gosh no way!
ANGELA
Oh, are you from there?
BRAD
Well, sort of.
A man at the table near Brad leaves. Brad walks over to his table and eats his food while talking.
BRAD (CONT’D)
I lived there for three years actually, from 5th grade until seventh grade. But I visit the area, a lot of my friends from college actually ended up coming from the high school I would have gone to had I stayed there.
ANGELA
Oh, wow.
A WAITER approaches.
WAITER
Good evening mam, how can I...Brad!? Brad! How are you!
BRAD
Hey Charlie, I’m doing great. How’s your theatre group doing?
WAITER
Doing great. Are you here on business tonight, or pleasure?
BRAD
Oh uh, a little of both I guess.
WAITER
Well great! So the usual?
BRAD
That’d be great, just easy on the caneloni, if you will. Don’t want to load too many carbs.
WAITER
Totally.
The Waiter leaves.
ANGELA
Do you come here, often?
BRAD
Yeah, I sort of train here. So have you heard about this whole Jenny McCarthy thing? Is that nuts or what?
ANGELA
Oh, yeah. Really bizarre stuff.
At least twenty plates are placed in front of Brad. Brad starts eating.
BRAD
I mean, I understand where she’s coming from, but come on lady! She’s only doing more harm than good, and it’s really, really serious harm at that. I mean, what’s worse, a child with autism or a dead child? In a way it’s like she’s saying autism is some horrible thing. And I mean, I know I wouldn’t wish autism on my child or anything, but still I’d love it no less if my child had autism. I guess that’s what really bugs me the most you know, just like, this whole...I don’t know, it’s total bullshit. Really pisses me off. I read this article too about Oprah in Newsweek, really interesting piece. Kind of talked about how she blindly supports these bullshit theories that actually end up hurting people. Do you like Oprah?
ANGELA
She’s...I don’t really watch Oprah.
BRAD
Oh. Neither do I really.
KOBIYASHI enters.
KOBIYASHI
Well if it isn’t Bradley Kuperstein.
BRAD
Kobiyashi. Funny seeing you here.
KOBIYASHI
You on a date?
BRAD
Yeah, I am actually. What of it?
KOBIYASHI
Oh nothing. Just if I were, I don’t know, going up against the best in the biz on Sunday, I might try to practice a little bit, not galivant around gettin my D wet.
BRAD
Okay first of all you are not the best in the biz, we are equally ranked, and second...
KOBIYASHI
you are.
BRAD
I’m sorry?
KOBIYASHI
You are second. Second place. In terms of competitive eating.
BRAD
Not here Kobi. Not here, not now.
KOBIYASHI
If not here, then where? When? Sunday?
BRAD
Hey Kobi.
KOBIYASHI
Yeah?
BRAD
Duck.
KOBIYASHI
No, that’s ravioli.
BRAD
No. Duck.
Brad throws wine in Kobiyashi’s face. He starts eating ravioli at a momentous pace. Kobiyashi joins in.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
down the pike
A few things to look for down the pike:
-"the Royal Scam", my last project for Sound Image.
-"the Late Bus", my 18 minute epic. In a way it's my "Heavens Gate", I was given total freedom and went a little overboard. Only instead of insane critical backlash that ruined my career, my group just got a B instead of an A for going over the time limit, and our project is actually good.
-A long detailed description of the most embarrassing night of my life that turned into one of the purest, honest nights of human interaction.
-"the Royal Scam", my last project for Sound Image.
-"the Late Bus", my 18 minute epic. In a way it's my "Heavens Gate", I was given total freedom and went a little overboard. Only instead of insane critical backlash that ruined my career, my group just got a B instead of an A for going over the time limit, and our project is actually good.
-A long detailed description of the most embarrassing night of my life that turned into one of the purest, honest nights of human interaction.
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