Man Trying to Get You Down

Do not mistake this for smooth R & B. This is the man telling you don
t get a liberal arts degree, get a business management degree, work two jobs if you can, don't waste time writing a screenplay or a book, either work or make children, we need to get this economic machine booming.

Also, if you cheat on your wife you get AIDS.

Some Hot Dogs are More Phallic Than Others

They say there is no food more phallic than hot dogs. And that's true. But what they never tell you is that some hot dogs are more phallic than others.

To prove my point, I cite these photos, taken from Bay Area hotdog phenomenon Top Dog's website.

THE TOP DOG


So obviously, pretty phallic. Definite curved tip, long and slender. However, I don't think many penis's come in colors like these (I'm proud not to know otherwise).

GRADE: PRETTY PHALLIC

THE VEGETARIAN DOG


Length and general shape wise, very phallic. But a very detailed look at this hot dog will reveal a dog covered in boils, holes and charmarks, things only the rare, sickly, severeley STD-infested man sausage would carry.

GRADE: NOT TOO PHALLIC

CALABRESE


Problem only phallic if you are a Puerto Rican man with a chode. Or go to a gym with tons of Puerto Rican guys who have chodes. Or dated a Puerto Rican man who had a chode. Or gone through of a phase of being really into Puerto Rican Porn. Or walked in on a roomate sleeping with her hot Puerto Rican boyfriend, and "accidentally" gone straight for his package to sneak a peak, only to see a shockingly underwhelming chode.

GRADE: VARIABLY PHALLIC

LEMON CHICKEN DOG


On the basis of color alone, very few hot dogs even come close to resembling the male penis as well as the Lemon Chicken dog does. Factor in the curved tip and the size (quite modest, maybe 5 inches?) and the Lemon Chicken Dog grabs it's crown as King of the Phallic Symbols.

GRADE: SUPER PHALLIC

On Marriage

It's not official until you buy a carpet.

Everybody consumates before marriage. But when you buy a brand new carpet with someone, that's making a commitment.

Jack Black

Is it just me, or does it seem like every trailer for every new Jack Black movie makes you think, "This one is going to be good. This is going to be his comeback. This is going to remind the world of Jack Black, comedic genius." And then you think, "wait, I've thought that about the trailer for the last five movies he was in."

Late Night

I had a late night. Last night. It was one of those nights that goes so late there's nothing to do but watch E!

Missy Elliott

she is the voice of the urban woman. No-all women.

Jaded

I remember when this video premiered on TRL, and I thought, "Oh my god. This video is going to Number one TOMORROW." And then it never even charted. It sparked the thought in my head, "hey, this show kinda sucks."

My Son and I

My son and I will probably have a complicated relationship. I'll never yell at him. I'll never spank him. But don't think I'll be letting him run around the house eating wheels of cheese as he so pleases. No. He will know damn well when he has let me down.

Say my son gets a terrible report card. Some dads would yell. I will not. I will not ground him. I will not take away his computer. I will take him to a kareoke bar. I will dedicate every song "to my son, Rodney, who just got his report card." Over the course of the next three hours, I will sing songs dealing with such themes as: disapointment, falling out of love, and general loathing of others. These three hours will lead my son to realize the burdening shame being related to such a dispicable human being brings me.

If by chance we live in an uncultured part of Indiana, I will simply have to make him mixtapes that deal with these themes, and I will play them in the car as I take him to school. To further drive the point home, I will point to the stereo, and then to him.

You may find this strange. However, I feel it will not only teach him to be analytical, but will get around my fear of confratation. It will also allow me to indulge in my love of kareoke AND feel like I'm being a good parent at the same time.

Diabetes

Party Shuffle

Sometimes I get a little sad when I think that no matter how much I practice, no matter how much I study music theory, and no matter how much ecstasy I take, I will never be a better mixmaster than my iTune's party shuffle. I could spend three weeks of my life crafting a mixtape and it still wouldn't be as good as a playlist party shuffle wips out of it's ass.

And then I think, "hey, party shuffle is a super computer. I don't stand a chance anyway."

And then I know how Paul Bunyan felt.

Today John Meets December John

If the John I am today were to travel back to December 3rd, the night of my brother's birthday party, and meet December John, I don't know what Today John would tell December John.

Nostalgia

Lesbians Contribute to Society

And you thought No Doubt had it tough! Granted, any situation in which two people have broken up and have to work together is awkward. And it must awkward yet when your ex-girlfriend decides to marry rich, famous, successful, fuckable in 95% of all samples* Rock Star Gavin Rossdale. But imagine if instead, Gwen Stefani had told her poor, underappreciated ex-boyfriend Tony Kanal, "I'm dating Christina Aguilera. Stay in the band though!"

No Doubt is pretty freaking tight though. I might not seem qualified to say that, as I am not a girl. But does a guy have to be gay to admit he likes anything that has anything to do with Gwen Stefani? Now, going to a Gwen Stefani concert-that's gay. But admitting to enjoying the works of barely ska/neo-new wave rockers No Doubt?

I'm still mad about Gwen Stefani's solo material though. True, Hollaback Girl is tight, but did she really need to go solo? Was Love, Angel, Music, Baby that much of a departure from Hold Steady? No. Thus, out of respect to Tony Kanal, Adrian Young, and Tom Dumont, I assume Gwen Stefani was tired of sharing royalties with the "lesser members" of No Doubt.

And while they are supposedly making another album, why did it have to take two solo albums to get started? Does Gwen even know what she put Tony through? He was in a band with Perry Farrell! Perry Farrell, the guy from Jane's Addiction.

Jane's Addiction...that's a rant in itself.

Though this post has veered completely off topic, it has reminded me how much I like No Doubt, who is awesome.



Remember in that Behind the Music where Tony Kanal was like, "there was no acting in that music video. That's how I felt." It was a moment.






*as in, statistically, in any random sample of females, 95% want to fuck Gavin Rossdale

Weekend of John

The Weekend of John is approaching! Weekends of John are always good, but this one is looking to be especially bitchin.

What is a Weekend of John? A Weekend of John is a weekend-long celebration of John: the things he likes, the things he likes to do, and most importantly, things in general, which John likes.

Details for a Weekend of John are often hazy, as details and planning are not one of the things John likes, and Weekend of Johns are weekends of things John likes, not dislikes, thus they are avoided if possible. However, schedules are usually made-in the heat of the moment! Only John has any idea where he will be in any approaching period of five minutes. John could be sitting quietly in his room listening to Sung Tongs, and suddenly stand up to leave. Where is he going, you ask, sitting in the same room reading a stack of comic books you just bought. You ask. "Where are you going, John?" "That coffee place in Piedmont"*. A complete and unexpected shock on your behalf, leaving you cold in a way you never expected.

Weekends of John have been far less frequent in recent times, due in part to dismal grades, incurable infatuations with the unavailable, and general "am I living the Great Gastby?" quandries. But with recent and anticipated academic improvements, waning infatuations with the unrequited, and general "no I am not living in the Great Gatsby" sentiments a plenty, this Weekend of John could in fact be THE Weekend of John.

Possible Festivities:
Multiple visits to Record stores
Pizza
Final Fantasy 7
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
partying
Long, long-distance phone calls
Milano cookies
Girl Scout Cookies
Sugar cookies
Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Black Chocolate cookies
Peanut Butter Cookies
At least 20 glasses of Ice tea
5 Redbulls
Smack talkin on the b-ball court


*It should be noted that if John is heading to this unspecified coffee bar, the weekend of John has clearly failed, due to the fact that John only goes to this unspecified Coffee bar when life is shit. Oh do we hope the Weekend of John goes off without a hitch.

How To End Racism

My dad had a great idea about how to end racism in America:

"Make everyone think there's a war going on with aliens from outer space. Nothing brings people together like a common enemy."

Don Henley

What the fuck, Don Henley?




So I try going to iTunes to buy "The Boys of Summer", the only good song you've ever released on your own. But can I find it? No. All you have on iTunes is 6 songs from your 2000 album Inside Job? Seriously, what the fuck Don Henley?

Who do you think you are? Do you honestly feel like your solo catalogue stands up there with the works of the Beatles, and Radiohead? With them, I understand, they made great albums and they don't want people to just download one or two songs from them. They don't want people to just buy "Karma Police" or "Norwegian Wood". They are artists who don't want to sell off their works piece by piece.

But come on, you're Don Fucking Henley! Do you really think anyone deserves to listen to whatever entire album "Boys of Summer" came from? You are the epitome of a bland solo career.

Your previous band the Eagles allows users to download songs from their albums off iTunes. And while they suck just as much as you on your own, at least they have more than one good song (In my opinion-2). They aren't fooling themselves, they admit their inability to make at least 12 good songs in a two year span.

Even the titles to your songs suck.
"All She Wants to Do Is Dance"? I'm so sorry for you, Don Henley.
"End of Innocence"? Whoa whoa whoa, Innocence ends?
"the Garden Of Allah"?
"Everybody Knows". What is the next line, "that I suck"?

But oh no, you Don Henley, you are a greedy bastard. You know that if people could only pay 99 cents for "the Boys of Summer", instead of 17 dollars for your "Greatest Hits" (I use quotation marks not because it's a title but because I'm mocking him), that cocaine mountain you ski down every morning would get smaller every day, huh?

So what is it Don Henley? Are you just overzealous and in denial, or a greedy motherfucker?

Because seriously Don, by some miracle, "boys of summer" is amazing. It's a song of such unbearable beauty, it leaves the listener feeling like they can overcome any obstacle. It could have stopped Vietnam had it arrived sooner. There are starving children in Africa that could become U.S. Senators if they could afford your overpriced 17 dollar "Greatest Hits". But nope, I guess these kids are just going to have to waste their 99 cents on some useless AIDS vaccine.

You, Don Henley, are a selfish motherfucker responsible for dying African children.

Dad

My dad really liked my blog about prince fucking the rock.

Alcoholic Urine

they should make alcoholic urine. You know, to make people question their alchoholism.

"Gee, all the beer is gone, but there's plenty of alcoholic piss. I know I want to get drunk, but am I willing to drink piss?"

Michel Gondry

More than any director in the 2000's, Michel Gondry truly believes he is a genius. While it may be a bit premature to say such a thing, I am confident that with time, he will be remembered for the man who thought he was a genius he truly is.

Many film buffs originally anticipated Vincent Gallo to be the true man who thought he was a genius of the 2000's, due in part to his proclivities to call his films 'masterpieces'. But recently, Gallo has admitted that such behavior was a facade, nothing but ironic publicity stunts that protest the media. Time has proven that the man who we thought thought he was a genius was merely promoting his movies. Despite such early promise, Gallo has proven to not only appear to not think he is a genius, but worse, be humble.

But in Vincent Gallo's absense comes a new hope: Michel Gondry.

Michel Gondry got his start directing music videos from Bjork. He later moved on to directing films penned by Charlie Kaufman. While Gondry believed these early works to be genius, it was not until he started writing his own scripts that truly came into his own as a man who believed in himself. "Gondry always believed he was a brilliant director," says Gondry fanatic and scholar Joe Rodriguez, bBut now, it's clear that he also believes he is a genius writer."

While the future of cinema is never predictable, it appears that it is safe to say Michel Gondry will be around for quite some time, making films he himself will call "the best films ever."