The Glittery Dildo Stories: Kyle and Sheryl

So this is what I've been doing for a while!

This is what I turned in and read outloud to my English class. It went really well, and I'm really happy about it. I got some really flattering compliments, and it just feels good to have finally written a short story. I'll post the second one later.


A glittery vagina can mean different things to different people.
******
Kyle had been in Australia for six months on business. His wife stayed at their home in Oakland the entire time. While many men when away from their wives for as long as six months might contemplate infidelity-and many of these many men actually do cheat on their wives-Kyle never even thought of cheating.
Granted, Kyle was still capable of recognizing attractive features in other women, but none could even compare to his wife Sheryl. In Sheryl he had found the perfect woman: nice and kind, tits and ass. Her body made his co-workers jealous and her personality made his parents glow. And while she may have been less fit mentally than every other woman he had dated, she possessed none of the complications so common among the smart women Kyle had dated and grown to despise being with. Besides, Kyle had enough extra IQ points to pass onto their children. Ultimately the two’s intelligence would average out to a decently intelligent kid or two. It was mostly nurture that influenced a child’s intelligence anyway, Kyle reasoned.
Kyle met Sheryl in college. He was instantly attracted to her and instantly convinced she was out of his league. But he continued talking to her whenever their paths would cross throughout the year. He was always struck by how sweet she was, especially for someone so beautiful. She could have easily been a bitch and never gotten any flack for it.
For the first half of his sophomore year, Kyle was romantically entangled with a girl named Susan. She was the kind of person who listened to Neutral Milk Hotel and Dinosaur Jr. not because she enjoyed them, but because she thought listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Dinosaur Jr. might make her seem interesting, because most people who listen to Neutral Milk Hotel and Dinosaur Jr. are considered interesting. It worked. It was a relationship filled with unnecessary complications and general misery. Susan would insist she was in love with Kyle and then always back out on dates. She was always going out of town for Lacrosse tournaments or something. One day on a whim when Susan was “going to a tournament in Palo Alto”, Kyle ran into Sheryl at a Laundromat. He asked if she wanted to go out. She did and they did. And like that they were together. She never led him along. She was always honest and open. He always knew where he stood with her.
If there was a flaw in their relationship, it was sexual. Throughout his life, sex had been somewhat absent to Kyle. Two years without physical contact was not unusual. Sheryl, on the other hand, had somewhat of a slut reputation throughout high school. Kyle was used to being ignored before even having sex with a girl; Sheryl was used to being ignored after having sex with a guy. Kyle was under-experienced and Sheryl was over-experienced. He knew she was mostly happy with their relationship, but Kyle always suspected he was never quite pleasing her. She would say “you’re doing great” and “don’t stop”, but it felt like she was just nicely saying “keep trying” and “I’m a little bored”. ******
Sheryl had six hours before her husband came home from a six month long business trip and learned that his wife’s vagina was covered in glitter. She intended to use every minute of those six hours in the bath, washing off every last spec of glitter.
After her husband had been in Australia for three months, Sheryl had a small party at the house for a couple of her closest friends. They talked about the kind of things close friends talk about when they have small parties. By eight o’clock, everyone had left but her closest friend Lucy. Somehow the subject of masturbation came up. Lucy was the kind of person that talked candidly about their sex life and expected everyone else to talk just as candidly. “Oh come on, I just told you I slept with my boss on the company photo copier! You have to tell me!” She would say. It was as if she talked about her exploits just to learn about other peoples.
“I just…don’t. I don’t know, every since I started dating Kyle I just haven’t felt the desire.”
The next day there was a knock at the door. Through the window by the couch Sheryl saw Lucy’s car speeding away. Lucy had left a wrapped present on the front door. “To my dear friend Sheryl”, the card on top read, “from your guardian angel.”
Sheryl opened the box. It was a dildo, covered in glitter. Lucy later confirmed that it was a very expensive one that was made by some company in Mexico that was now out of business. Glittery dildos in mint condition could fetch insanely high prices on eBay apparently. It was something like champagne to certain people.
The box stayed in the bottom drawer of a dresser for two months and three weeks. Kyle had told her he never masturbated. She told Kyle she never masturbated either. And it was true after they started dating. While she had no intention of breaking this unspoken agreement, she became a little nervous when she realized her husband would be coming home in a week. She worried that her vagina had become desensitized from inactivity; it was the longest dry spell she had ever had. Ultimately, she decided it would be rude to waste a gift a friend had spent so much money on.
Kyle took the latest possible flight home, hoping to postpone the inevitably disappointing intercourse as much as possible. It was not just the fact that Kyle had not had sex in six months that worried him. Kyle had not had an orgasm in six months. Kyle was the only man he had ever known who never masturbated. Even Kyle’s most religious friends, whose church deemed them sinners for masturbating, masturbated more than Kyle. It was not out of a deep-seated faith that Kyle remained abstinent; he had never even come to a conclusion on where he stood spiritually. Kyle just never saw the point.
Sheryl met her husband Kyle in college. He was unlike every guy she had ever been with:
• He called her the day after they had sex for the first time.
• He sent her charming text messages when they were not together.
• He listened to her when she talked
He was not the most attractive guy she had ever been with, but it was the first time in her life she could care less. For the first time in her life someone she had found someone who cared about her and had no intentions of dumping her once they got what they wanted.
If there was a flaw in their relationship, it was intellectual. There were many times when it was clear that Kyle’s mind operated on a very different level than Sheryl’s. Kyle would ask her to go with him to movies at these small theaters in college towns every once in a while, with these four hour long French movies where a guy would sleep with a girl a bunch of times, then have pointless, never ending conversations about life or books or something. Kyle would come out of the theater talking about how it was indicative of the “decaying morality of society”, and Sheryl would just nod. He would try and explain it to her, but he would often just become more confusing.
******
Kyle spent about fifteen minutes thumbing through a People Magazine at a newsstand in the Airport lobby. When he finally arrived at their house, he had the cab driver circle the block a few times, then drive him up to the mailbox, then over to Starbucks because his throat was killing him and he had not had caffeine all day, then finally back home.
Sheryl was waiting for Kyle on the couch by the front door. She thought standing right in front of the front door would scream “I’m trying really hard to pretend nothing is wrong”. She felt waiting in the bedroom on the opposite end of the house implied “I’m hiding from you because I have something to hide”. “Yes”, she thought, “the couch by the front is the smart move” especially since Sheryl had a magazine in her hand. There is nothing suspicious about a woman sitting on a couch reading a People magazine. Finally Sheryl could hear the lock of the door turning. She felt torn. She did not want to face Kyle, but she equally did not want to wait for him any longer. “I’m home!”
“I missed you!” They hugged and stood in silence. “Let me get your bags. Are you tired?” If he was tired that was good.
They stood talking by the front door for a half hour.
******
Kyle sat down at the dinner table. Sheryl had made Lemon Chicken Pasta. He knew he should tell her that he had had a blueberry coffee cake at Starbucks. But since he was bound to disappoint her in bed later that night, he thought he might as well not disappoint her at the dinner table. Or was now the better time to disappoint her? On one hand, the coffee cake disappointment might make the sexual disappointment easier to swallow. She would be going into the bedroom that night already disappointed; she probably would not even be surprised or moved by the sexual disappointment. But on the other hand, she might only be capable of handling a fixed amount of disappointment in a day. Two acts of disappointment might throw her overboard.
He ate the pasta.
While Kyle was glad to see his wife, thinking about the night to come haunted him. Would he even be able to have an orgasm? What if it came too quickly? What if it never came? Would he even be able to get an erection? He wondered if he would always remember this as the day his marriage fell apart.

While Sheryl was glad to see her husband, thinking about the night to come haunted her. What would he do if he found out? Would he cry? Hit her? Divorce her? Cheat on her? She wondered if she would always remember this as the day her marriage fell apart.
“I have to go to the bathroom” she said.
“Great!” Kyle shouted. “For…you.”
She rushed off to the bathroom at the top of the stairs and started to draw a bath. She threw her clothes off as the water rose. When the water had barely even reached her ankles, she started pounding away with a bar of Irish Springs soap, scrubbing hard enough to make her wince in pain.
******
Sitting at the dinner table, Kyle was a nervous wreck. It was already 8:00. Unless he came up with an idea by 10:30 at the latest, he was fucked. Suddenly, it became clear to him what he had to do. He could hear the bath water running. He figured this gave him 20 minutes at the most. He ran to his computer and got on Google. He typed in “porn”. He found himself overwhelmed with options. He decided to try another search. He typed in “boobs” and clicked on the first link that popped up. Unfortunately it led him to some kind of medical website that had information on breast cancer. At first Kyle was mad, but he then decided to bookmark the website. It probably had information his wife needed. Kyle decided it would be best to specify his first search. Remembering a conversation he overheard two co-workers having in the bathroom, he added the word “German” to his search. While this still amounted to an overwhelming amount of options, time was running out and he had no time to be selective. He clicked on the first page that came up. There were no pictures and the text was written in German. Returning to the Google page, Kyle clicked randomly on the fifth item, which within seconds gave him a computer virus. His computer shut down immediately.
******
Sheryl had been scrubbing for ten minutes when she felt like her right arm was going to fall off. She decided to take a break and she what kind of progress she was making. She tried to see by bending over but it hurt her neck. She could barely even see anyway. In a flash of inspiration she decided to use the mirror behind the sink, in which she’d started at herself while brushing her teeth for years, for a practical purpose. She put her left leg up on the sink, putting her entire glittering vagina on display. She was slightly blinded by the incandescent light bouncing off the glitter.
******
With the computer trashed, Kyle realized he would have to settle things on his own. He ran into their bedroom, thinking the abundant presence of his wife’s underwear might serve some hefty inspiration. A handshake or two later he thought about how easily it would be for his wife to walk in on him in the bedroom. He needed a place that could give him some privacy. The bathroom was taken, the guest room was stuffy, the closet would just be weird and the kitchen was just inappropriate. There was truly only one place Kyle could be guaranteed safety: the couch by the front door. It was around the corner from the base of the wooden stairs. The bathroom was upstairs. If his wife was coming down the stairs he would be able to hear her echoing footsteps. He would have ample time to cover up. The only con was actually not very severe either. The back of the couch was directly in front of a large window that looked out on the front lawn, which was next to the sidewalk, which their neighbors walked on. But luckily, while Kyle was in Australia his wife had installed drapes next to the windows. All he had to do make his list of pros and cons a list of pros was close the drapes. It was a flawless idea.
******
Sheryl had worn through half a bar of soap and was about to give up. She had barely made a difference. She considered running down to the kitchen to get a sponge and dishwasher soap, but the risk of being seen by Kyle, and thinking of an excuse for taking a sponge and dishwasher soap into a bathroom, ruled the idea out. She noticed a bottle of bleach at the base of the sink. Would it work? Was it too dangerous? Would it permanently scar her? The glitter might disappear in a week; she might be able to put off having sex for a week. Bleach marks would just prove that there had been something suspicious there before the bleach.
The preparations were complete for Kyle to masturbate for the first time in his life. He had grabbed lotion from the bedroom because he had heard that helps (Sheryl suffered from dry skin during the winter). Right as he was about to get started, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. Would Sheryl really be offended if he was a lousy lay one night? He might return to his former capacity in time with practice.
Kyle suddenly realized he had an erection, which he would clearly have to get rid of. He did not have time to think about Baseball; if he ran into Sheryl with an erection, he would need a logical explanation for his erection. He had no logical explanation for his erection.
He began. And then a few seconds later ended. Relieved, Kyle stood up to stretch. He checked his shirt to see if he’d left a stain. It was as clear as it was five minutes ago. He was halfway to the staircase when he remembered a vital detail: the drapes were open when he got there. It was while opening the drapes, on the drapes, that he noticed a very, very clear and significant indicator of his couch activities.
With no time to panic, he ripped the drapes off and bolted upstairs to the washing machine. It did not matter that it was across the hall from the bathroom; he would have to take the risk and think of an excuse later.
******
Sheryl had given up. She decided she would just have to make up an excuse to not have sex. She couldn’t tell Kyle she was on her period; he knew she always got them at the end of the month, and if she told him she had one now he would think she had been late at one point. And if he thought she was late at one point he would think she had thought she was pregnant. And if he thought she was pregnant he would think she had cheated on him, which would probably end worse than if he knew she had bought a glittery dildo from the Sex Shoppe.
The best idea she had was to pretend to be furious about something stupid and trivial, Say it was “symbolic of everything wrong with our marriage” or something. Maybe this was the end of their marriage.
Sheryl put on a bathrobe and opened the door to see Kyle leaping up the stairs with the new drapes in his hands, rippling through the air like a flag. Once he saw that she saw him, he stopped dead in his tracks. There was an odd stain on the drapes, the kind of stain you recognize when you grow up with three teenage brothers.
In complete and utter confusion, and an almost whisper, she asked, “what are you doing with our drapes?”
It was silent.
******
Kyle could not lie to her, cum-stained drapes in his hands or not. “I beat off for the first time on the couch.” Beat off or beated off?
Sheryl looked surprised. And then after a short kaleidoscope of emotions, she looked completely emotionless. She opened her bathrobe and left her left leg in the air, leaning on the wall for balance. They stood in the hall together for quite a while, Sheryl with her leg in the air, Kyle with the drapes in his hands, laughing. They were finally on equal footing.